I Need to Vent

Today has been a very emotional day. I seriously don't know how I survive through it all each and every day. It's a right of passage, sure. Doesn't mean I have to like it.

I started out my day pretty crappy. I had to change a pre-dated sleep over because of my sister's wedding on that particular day. It was hectic trying to contact all who were going to see what other day was good for us. Literally, I was in tears. There was no need to shed them; we solved the problem in a simple manner and all was fine again. The rest of the day proceeded as normal as usual.

Of course, then the afternoon comes along. As our last meeting of the semester, my percussion team instructor decided to throw together a party (during normal practice hours, but it was the last day). She shared a very heartwarming story about how she rose to success. That in and of itself almost reduced me to tears again. All at once in day, I've been reminded of the so many realizations that I have uncovered throughout my entire life.

I'm the only one fighting. True, it's a very admirable feat, but when you're the only one committed it becomes tiring. You suddenly become the glue that keeps everyone together. You're the only one willing to throw together sleep-overs and buddy dates and the like. None of it ever would've happened if not for you. But that's the thing: no one's fighting for me. This aspect of my life is mostly a one-way street.

Secondly, no one wants to hear my story. Maybe that sounds selfish, but I have been the go-to person for advice and support. I listen to their stories and encourage them to move onward, to learn from one's mistakes and know that there are some things we have to accept. With such insight, how can this person have problems you may ask? Can't they just tell themselves the same thing and move forward? Miraculously, no. I hate bad feelings and vibes yet they constantly plague my mind. Even though I know better, it still bothers me. I think it means more coming from someone you love and trust rather than yourself, because then you know someone believes in you and your potential for success.

This is not to say I don't have people who deeply care and love me. But, seeing as how these people are mostly family, they already know everything. I suppose what I'm looking for is not really support and not really empathy. Truth be told, I don't know what I want from people. I just want them to know.

So, I'm going to proceed and tell my story. Or, bits of it. Things that bother me, really. These things don't actually connect at all, but they are the stuff I wish people knew.

My dad. Seems like the hardest one to do first, no? I've only met him at most 3 times in my entire life. I never knew he even existed until I was 13 years old. Over the years, he had apparently been in and out of jail because of (usually) drug possession/usage. He's also somewhat of a child molester, though he's never been officially charged as such. Through him I am a (half) blood relative to three older siblings all of whom I don't remember meeting until (again) around 13.

In spite of all that, I don't care. I don't understand what it means when my mother tells me my "dad" is back in jail. Really, the only father figure I had was my older brother (on my mom's side). Sure, sometimes it was awkward for me to interact with other people's dads when I was younger. But never once did I question about my dad's existence. It didn't matter to me. It still doesn't.

Additionally, I had an online "boyfriend" who lived in Ohio (or something like that) my freshman year. It was on the online world of roleplaying avatars walking around with actual people controlling each one. I curse myself for making my avatar appear nice and kept getting "hit on" by other users. And that was sort of the way I met Valoren360. He pretended to be British in the way he wrote his text boxes, something which he later told me was only a ploy to get me hooked. I took that in stride. Mostly I hung on every little flattering word he said. It was only a game, I first thought. What did it mean to lie to someone who wasn't even in the same state as you? Apparently a lot. I had given him my number earlier on but when he found he couldn't get much attention from me (as it was I was still in school and of course he was texting me during school hours) he dropped me on the spot. Oh sure, it could've gone smoothly had he not blame it all on me (the dude was 19, he had no life). And man, did I have to have the last word! I hardly ever go on that online thing anymore. It's just a waste of time now.

Perhaps these are typical thing a teenager is supposed to feel, but to categorize me under that umbrella makes it seem like I should not be heard because "it's all been done before." That saying is not comforting. I don't know those other people who've "been through it before." Keep far away from the entire world scale where I can actually comprehend the number of people who might be experiencing it. Billions upon billions of people is way too much for my tastes. I know deep down I'm no different than they. I only wish for someone to make me understand how special they say I am. Usually, I don't believe anything I'm told concerning myself. I'm unique. I'm talented. I'm a leader.

And a looming thought always hovers over my head: Yes, I may be all those, but out of those billions of people you say are on this planet I bet there is one exactly like me. Someone who could draw without a reference, someone who didn't take crap from anyone, someone who would do anything for her friends and family. It's always that lingering cloud that depresses me (I happen to blame this on my time during junior high when I was homeschooled. When you're home all day, everyday, with no obligation to interact with others for three years it seriously becomes depressing. To this day, I still don't think I've emerged from it unscathed).

I imagine my role in the world a lot. Most of the content of this post is a result of that. All this time these thoughts had been building up in the back of my mind until it finally started to fuzzy up my normal routines. Lately, I've been having numerous reminders about the pains of my past. Perhaps now it won't be so bad to shield my pain from others. After all, as the happy go lucky girl in my group of friends, you kind have a reputation to uphold. And if something goes wrong, well... I'm not sure what happens. I've never really broken down before.

Oh geez. I said this wasn't going to be a depressing, your-regular-old-sob-story blog. Well, I can break my own rules every now and again. I mean, what are rules for anyway? ;D

The Number 13

I love this number. In fact, I find it quite lucky actually. I think my mom's beliefs are rubbing off on me. Ha!

There's not much to say right now. Holiday Sing approaches fast and I haven't gotten my part down for the percussion team. Ugh! Very frustrating. I've got a few good things to look forward to, though. I get to have a sleep over with my best friends this coming Sunday, which they're very excited about. I'm almost done with Christmas gifts (except my brother's. Grr.) and it never hurts to have Sherlock Holmes come out this Friday. Heehee!

Christmas this year has gotten extremely busy all of the sudden. Which reminds me, I still need to set up a cookie making day for all my friends to come too. 'Cause, you know, I can never see them often enough. ;)

Hello

I've had this up for a while. Haven't had time to blog on it until now. Besides, who wants to hear another sob story? Not me. So, unless there's something terribly horrible, I will attempt to remain optimistic. I apologize in advance for grammatical error or some such. This is my story; deal with it. XD

This Christmas is most stressful. It's the first one where I've bought all my own gifts to give to the family. Two of my family members I have no idea what to get, which is very frustrating. My brother's gift is the forefront right now. Ever hear of the Zelda series? He's a big fan; has played almost every single one of 'em. So, I got him a treasure chest with an Ocarina in it. I'm trying to find a small recording device that plays back a tune whenever the cover of the chest is opened. Make him feel like he's part of the game. I'm striking out on luck so far. I know there's something like that out there, but my options are limited. I have no idea where to start searching.

On top of that, there's practice for a Holiday Sing at U of R I need to prepare for. Ha! Why can't I skip to Christmas break already? I get to see all my college friends during that time. I miss them. <3

This is like the 5th or 6th blogger account I have. All my other ones are Slenderman related. Don't know him? Good, cuz it's an obsession. Lol. I thought it would be good to have one account just for me where I can't vent my troubles and make it not so weird. XD

Or maybe it is weird? Even better! Cuz I'm a weird person. Aren't we all? At least I'm the good weird and not the weird weird or the stupid weird. Lol. Okay, that's all I have for now. I promise it'll get more interesting later. :)