Praxis Is Over Now

Today was the presentations. I felt pretty good; I didn't feel nervous or anything. Probably because I knew what I was talking about. That's rare. Hehe.

Well, I'm ready for spring break. I'm feeling strangely light that I'm getting suspicious. Especially since I had a frustrating day yesterday. Nothing happened to me per say, I just got annoyed. Watched Princess Mononoke and it was as if people could not help themselves but to comment on every little damn cliche in the goddamned movie. It's not like I haven't seen it before, but it was a first for me in english and plus I was concerned about everyone else whose experience might've been ruined. I should stop caring so damn much about other people who don't even know me. Anyway, that was already pissing me off and then Ocarina club afterwards was JUST A BALL. Apparently, the dude running it just found out he needed to turn in an English essay the next day that he thought was due next week. Also, he hadn't finished his praxis video so he let everyone do what they fucking wanted. Let's just say I was severely disappointed in him, ESPECIALLY since he didn't use that hour to improve upon either thing but rather showed off what he had of his praxis to another classmate. I think the fucker just wanted free time with his friends. He has responsibilities as the conductor (or whatever) of the club and he just blows it off. And yet how many times does he chastise people who don't show up to the meetings??? I asked my mom to pick me up early and just broke down in tears, I was so frustrated.

So that left me with little hope for humanity. Fucking irresponsible, rude assholes. Or I don't know, maybe I'm too nice and stuff that I'll be killed off by natural selection so that the dumb ignorant people will continue making the world dumb and ignorant. I know there's not a damn thing I can do about, but I absolutely REFUSE for it to be forced onto me. Or whatever. I should just stop giving a damn.

Ugh. This fucking rant. I'm just too sensitive. I'm not a violent person but I would not hesitate to break a vase if I had the chance. No, I shouldn't take it out on the vase. Maybe I'll just eat cookies and sulk. Wait, I ate all the cookies. FML.

And now this isn't going anywhere. Blah. I'm upset. And I shouldn't be. Stupid people should not steal my joy. That would be easier if it weren't for the fact they outnumber me.

I want to do something. Like buy a book or two. Or have ice cream. How long has it been since I've had ice cream? Or a game. Play a game. I've never considered going out for a run, but it's such a beautiful day. Or a swim. Oh god this is beginning to be funny. Wish I had insurance so I could go to a doctor and see if I have bipolar or something. Just for the fun of it. and mess with the doctor. Ooh! I'm going to watch more Doctor Who. I should stop now. XD

Oh, also, it didn't help I talked about not forgiving a former friend who backstabbed me 5 times no matter how much I wish things could be like they were back then. But I think I'm starting to let go. Maybe that's why I'm feeling so light~

Status Updates on Blogs

Blah. Don't really know what to say.

Okay, so, Treason of the Mind... That's going to end soon; most likely before the summer. Gonna have Zero get caught by the police soon. Don't really know what's going to happen to Ella's blog after she's gone... maybe she'll be killed or converted by Sin. Meh.

Also don't know why I made Sin's blog; seemed like an interesting concept to have an assassin. Course, that's actually when you have something for the assassin to do that makes it interesting. So... might not last long.

I might be going someplace with Stranger Things Have Happened. An entire blog based off superstition... course, it just turns more to storytelling than actually convincing others it might be real but I think that ship has sailed even with the Slenderman thing. Heh.

Can't say the same for Poison Apple. Has a good story, don't know how to keep it moving. So, if I can't figure out what I want to do soon, I might end it early.

And Birthplace... love the concept, but I know so little about the Slenderverse that I might come off as an amateur. I was hoping I could do more with the actual world Dark and Slenderman came from... might be able to do that later.

Now I'm tempted to just dedicate a blog to storytelling. Just a story, and the posts being chapters or segments of chapters... seems appealing. Would be able to then get it down faster, I think. Always seems discouraging when you want to write something but you only think about tackling it all at once.

Ugh, I shouldn't make posts when I'm tired. I'm pretty sure I'll look at this in the morning and be like... god, I was an idiot. Heehee.

So, yea, just had to get it down. Don't know if it helped. I suppose blogging helps bring a little reality to these thoughts. Not sure. Just sleepy. Night, night.

I Know What's Wrong

And I can't believe I was too stupid to recognize the deeper meaning of it. I have always known that I was a procrastinator and that when I attempt to do things at the last minute and they don't go according to plan, I panic... Kind of a common thing, no? Only... for almost all my life I believed I was picked out to be the victim. And only now do I realize that I'M actually the one putting myself there.

What happened not too long ago is a perfect example. There's a Valentine's Dance tomorrow and I wanted Brigitte to come. Now, even though the Dance was announced about a week in advance, I still waited until the last minute to even ask whether or not she could go since she technically wasn't a Grove School student anymore. Gena said that Brigitte would need to fill out a guest pass and that she would approve of her going. So I gave the form to Ashley, Brigitte's little sister, to give to her when she got home... only to be informed later that she had lost it. This was yesterday when I'd already left the school campus. I became very upset, telling her I knew it would be too good to be true for her to actually come someplace with me. And she remained calm and clear-headed, trying to ease my frustrations.

I felt like the victim... when really if I bothered to do this earlier the whole mess could've been avoided. And... I almost expected her to feel sorry for me. I am truly the worst offender.

Cloudy Mind

I've been neglecting everything and everyone. I feel like Facebook is taking over my life. Haven't been able to do any blog updates. Or talk to Amanda about her blog updates. Homework is lacking. I feel terrible. But I can't concentrate. I see no motivation. I think I'm beyond spiritualistic. I don't really see the need to keep progressing if it'll mean nothing when I die. It's more the fulfillment of wanting to accomplish something that keeps me going, but I feel like it's not happening right now. And I'm not taking a proactive approach to correct it, to accomplish things. I just don't see any point. I'm not saying I'm going to commit suicide or anything. But really, what can I do that someone else hasn't done before me?

I'm feeling really lazy as a result lately. Like, for the past month. I feel like crap for not doing anything. Maybe I'm depressed. I don't really see why. I'm not secluding myself from everyone. At least, I don't think so. I feel tired all the time. I went to bed early last night and I still feel like I'm experiencing life through a passive point of view. Like it's all a dream.

I don't want to let anyone down. But it's my life too, right? What am I supposed to do with it? Why can't I do it now and get it over with?

I can't gather my thoughts. I feel sad, angry, and tired. I don't want to do this anymore.