I haven't had much time to think. Been working on missing assignments. Finals next week. God, so many papers. Why did I let it get so bad? Oh, because I was lazy and stupid and confused. Using the excuse that I didn't see the point in getting a good education if it's not gonna do me a damn bit of good in the world as it is now. Plus, I don't see myself important enough to find motivation to the contrary. I'm one out of a couple billion people. Honestly, chances of me making a great change to the world is slim, and unless you can make a great change to the world, your life is wasted. At least that's my mentality. Damn, didn't think I'd be this pessimistic. But I guess I am. I know where it started, but it's too late to change anything. I've tried. I found it easier not to. I've taken the path of immediate pleasures over rewarding ones after a hard day's work.
I think I'm doomed to end up wandering the streets, homeless and hungry. With nothing but my wild imagination to escape it all. I curse it sometimes, my imagination. If I wasn't so fucking creative, I'd get shit done. I wouldn't waste my time doing trivial, unimportant things. But they aren't trivial. They are important. And a part of me hates that truth. I don't have a shred of decency, do I? Am I rambling? Wouldn't be surprised. Last few... weeks, I guess, have been on the high end of the emotional rollar coaster. So many times I thought about ending it. 'Course, I'm too much of a coward to go through with my mental threats. I don't want to feel pain before it ends. Don't want it to be a mess. Don't like knowing what's waiting on the other side. I feel like there is so much I could still do, but then I remind myself how unimportant I am to the whole of society.
Everything comes full circle.
So, I guess I'll just do what I'm supposed to do and just finish and repair my mistakes. And just live life knowing I'm part of a great machine and I will be nothing more than that.
I. HATE. FEELING. LIKE. THIS.
