Thursday, October 4, 2012
When I'm Old, I'll Have an Excuse to Reminisce
My chest feels heavy. True, I did just have a wonderful morning today, but I think more than ever the past is haunting me.
I got a Facebook message from a boy whom I had not seen nor talked or interacted with since 5th grade. He was among one of the many people I had friended just to touch base with old friends. In reality, it was more about the concept of having friended those people than actually talking to them. I used to update my Facebook status everyday sophomore year; now it's just a newsfeed for me. Anyway, this boy messaged me, which really surprised me. He was one of the few boys I had chased around the playground trying to hug him, to which he subsequently run away because he was afraid of "cooties." I did it everyday, if I could help it; and, as long as they kept running, it never got old. I had always thought he, among the other kids I did this to, would've hated or at least held disgust towards me in some way shape or form. I told him this, but he said that could never happen. I don't know what the point was in messaging me... to talk? I had been friends with him for over 2 years on this website... this is the first time he's ever reached out to talk to me. True, he was moving to Arizona, but amongst the many hundreds of friends I'm sure he had, why me? I might be reading too much into this, he probably contacted everyone from grade school at one point or another. Just to reminisce before cutting off ties for good once he'd moved. Strange, but whatever.
Also, this one incident is older and at best I've tried to get it out of my head, but I remember a dream I had not long ago... within the month I'd say. I was packing up things to move (I'm sensing a pattern but what does it mean?)... I can't remember from which house, the one I used to live in or the one I'm currently living now. Either way, the neighbor came to help or see off, maybe both. He had a dog, smaller than Damen and they played well together. 'Course, we left the door open and there was a moment where they ran out, but after calling them back all was good.
Until the other dog returned to its true owner. It had been the first time in months she crossed my mind.
I don't know why she had a small dog, her dogs were never small last I had visited her. But the dream indicated it belonged to her. And she just stood there and smiled, as if nothing happened, standing in the house to bid me goodbye. I literally stood there, at a loss for words.
And then I started screaming. Just repeating, "Get out! Get out!" I pushed her away, towards the door, dog in her arms, a numb feeling in my chest turning into a passionate hatred. She didn't put up much of a fight, but she was still rather confused. And the audacity of her actions nearly drove me into hysteria.
You lied to me. Cheated, backstabbed, stole from me. On five separate occasions. The first was the hardest one to take. Why? Because you were my best friend. And because of that, I pit everything on you. The reason I have trust issues, why I assume a missing item is stolen, why I feel like nothing. In the end, I never meant anything to you. My material possessions were worth more than our friendship.
I don't hate her. I don't know if I dislike her. I just feel heavy and numb whenever I think about how things used to be... and how she is now. I suppose I'm acting like she never existed. No... because then I wouldn't be thinking about her. It's more like... she means nothing to me now. Sure, I'll save her from a fire and what have you... but other than that, she's not worth my time. In some way, I'm glad we've parted ways. My mother said she knew from the beginning she wasn't a good friend. Anything I did, she did too. If I drew foxes, so did she. If I came up with a story about aliens, she did too. Whenever we played dolls, it was always what she wanted to play. Now, the tomboy baseball playing girl I knew long ago has adorned herself in dresses, makeup, and tattoos up the whazoo. Mom said she's starting to regret her tattoos. Feeling lonely.
So?
I can't forgive. I can't forget. I've already conceded that I'll save her life, if at risk, if I can. She's made it clear to me, however, that she doesn't need me. I did try. I did try to reach out and accept her apologies. That ended in the last two thefts. So mother, please don't make me feel sorry for her. I don't care anymore. The fuck giving has stopped here.
I know they say without the past, how will you know better? You will just repeat the mistakes over and over again. So, for this at least, I will thank her for that. Really, though, in my heart of hearts I wish above all else that none of it would've happened. I don't want to relive the days when we were old friends. When Utopia was a probable outcome of my life. I've moved on, and I'm glad I have. I've probably said this way too many times, but I'll say it again, I've met amazing friends and had wonderful experiences with them. If anything, I will want to relive my days with them anytime.
By the way, Amanda, I want to thank you again for the SPG album! I've listened to it practically everyday since you gave it to me and I'm hooked on almost every single song. Thanks again for the wonderful early birthday gift! :)
I got a Facebook message from a boy whom I had not seen nor talked or interacted with since 5th grade. He was among one of the many people I had friended just to touch base with old friends. In reality, it was more about the concept of having friended those people than actually talking to them. I used to update my Facebook status everyday sophomore year; now it's just a newsfeed for me. Anyway, this boy messaged me, which really surprised me. He was one of the few boys I had chased around the playground trying to hug him, to which he subsequently run away because he was afraid of "cooties." I did it everyday, if I could help it; and, as long as they kept running, it never got old. I had always thought he, among the other kids I did this to, would've hated or at least held disgust towards me in some way shape or form. I told him this, but he said that could never happen. I don't know what the point was in messaging me... to talk? I had been friends with him for over 2 years on this website... this is the first time he's ever reached out to talk to me. True, he was moving to Arizona, but amongst the many hundreds of friends I'm sure he had, why me? I might be reading too much into this, he probably contacted everyone from grade school at one point or another. Just to reminisce before cutting off ties for good once he'd moved. Strange, but whatever.
Also, this one incident is older and at best I've tried to get it out of my head, but I remember a dream I had not long ago... within the month I'd say. I was packing up things to move (I'm sensing a pattern but what does it mean?)... I can't remember from which house, the one I used to live in or the one I'm currently living now. Either way, the neighbor came to help or see off, maybe both. He had a dog, smaller than Damen and they played well together. 'Course, we left the door open and there was a moment where they ran out, but after calling them back all was good.
Until the other dog returned to its true owner. It had been the first time in months she crossed my mind.
I don't know why she had a small dog, her dogs were never small last I had visited her. But the dream indicated it belonged to her. And she just stood there and smiled, as if nothing happened, standing in the house to bid me goodbye. I literally stood there, at a loss for words.
And then I started screaming. Just repeating, "Get out! Get out!" I pushed her away, towards the door, dog in her arms, a numb feeling in my chest turning into a passionate hatred. She didn't put up much of a fight, but she was still rather confused. And the audacity of her actions nearly drove me into hysteria.
You lied to me. Cheated, backstabbed, stole from me. On five separate occasions. The first was the hardest one to take. Why? Because you were my best friend. And because of that, I pit everything on you. The reason I have trust issues, why I assume a missing item is stolen, why I feel like nothing. In the end, I never meant anything to you. My material possessions were worth more than our friendship.
I don't hate her. I don't know if I dislike her. I just feel heavy and numb whenever I think about how things used to be... and how she is now. I suppose I'm acting like she never existed. No... because then I wouldn't be thinking about her. It's more like... she means nothing to me now. Sure, I'll save her from a fire and what have you... but other than that, she's not worth my time. In some way, I'm glad we've parted ways. My mother said she knew from the beginning she wasn't a good friend. Anything I did, she did too. If I drew foxes, so did she. If I came up with a story about aliens, she did too. Whenever we played dolls, it was always what she wanted to play. Now, the tomboy baseball playing girl I knew long ago has adorned herself in dresses, makeup, and tattoos up the whazoo. Mom said she's starting to regret her tattoos. Feeling lonely.
So?
I can't forgive. I can't forget. I've already conceded that I'll save her life, if at risk, if I can. She's made it clear to me, however, that she doesn't need me. I did try. I did try to reach out and accept her apologies. That ended in the last two thefts. So mother, please don't make me feel sorry for her. I don't care anymore. The fuck giving has stopped here.
I know they say without the past, how will you know better? You will just repeat the mistakes over and over again. So, for this at least, I will thank her for that. Really, though, in my heart of hearts I wish above all else that none of it would've happened. I don't want to relive the days when we were old friends. When Utopia was a probable outcome of my life. I've moved on, and I'm glad I have. I've probably said this way too many times, but I'll say it again, I've met amazing friends and had wonderful experiences with them. If anything, I will want to relive my days with them anytime.
By the way, Amanda, I want to thank you again for the SPG album! I've listened to it practically everyday since you gave it to me and I'm hooked on almost every single song. Thanks again for the wonderful early birthday gift! :)
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