Ugh, okay, I know there is something quote un-quote "wrong" with me so I always try to self analyze everything about myself and draw conclusions from there. Which, I don't know, makes me feel like a hypochondriac so I keep thinking I should go to a doctor and get tested but then time and money get in the way so I'm left suffering in silence. I've had problems in the past about putting myself in the corner like a victim and then accuse the world of being cruel for putting me there when I was actually the culprit so... it just feels like I'm fishing for something to make myself out to be the victim again.

But apparently I may or may not be suffering from depression and ADD. My whole family swears that depression runs in the family (is that really a thing?? I mean I know genetics CAN play a role in making someone more susceptible to depressions but eeehhhh) and my mom says that my father had borderline ADHD but she's never said it was diagnosed? Maybe she did, can't remember.

That last bit is starting to become a problem; I feel like I should have a better memory for someone my age. I used to say I had a "photographic memory" when I was in elementary school but now it's turned to shit and I'm constantly facing that problem in the kind of business I'm working in. Like "When did we send that letter?" Fuck, I dunno. Not yesterday, that much I know for damn sure.

I'm also spacey all the time. I never thought I had a problem concentrating until I started realizing how many times I would tune out the world. Mom will go on for an hour or more on something currently happening and I'll zone out like seven times or more for a couple seconds. I used to think I was tired because of lack of exercise or something but I'm in a dance club now and I'm even MORE tired than before. I do not feel energized at all. I used to go through books like nobody's business. I still have a huge stack now that is begging to be read and I would love to read them but I end up forgetting what I read half-way through the paragraph.

I feel like I'm just imagining it and crying wolf so I've done nothing about it. It's not really debilitating to my every day life. Well, actually, I'm not sure. I might learn to love myself more if I could concentrate and remember stuff better than I do now. Cuz answering every question with "I don't know" is really not making me like myself at all.

I keep skipping words in this post but I don't feel like going back and fixing them. I gotta get food so I suppose I'll leave this here.