I think I've made the first "healthy" conclusion in my life so far: I'm not ready for a relationship and I don't think I will be anytime soon. I've decided, more like have felt, that I can't learn to love someone or shoulder their grievances when I don't even have my own issues down to a fine science. Yes, I know I can't solve everything that is "wrong" with me all at the same time but I've felt like I'm just finally learning to love myself. Or, you know, at least not hating myself as much so I'll take that as a positive upward curve more than anything. I know myself enough to understand that this apathy towards myself over the years has turned into apathy towards others. It's not that I don't care but I feel disconnected; like I should care more than I do now because I know the things I care about are important to me.

I'm the kind of person who blinks and loses the last 20 minutes of my life. I'm someone who can remember things of years gone by but can't remember what I did the day or two before. If I can't even pay attention to the world around me, how can I expect to care about a significant other in a relationship?

I don't know if I'll learn to get past this obstacle and just end up being one of those people ill-suited for a relationship. I'd like to be in one someday and I'd like to believe I can sincerely contribute to such an experience. Until then, I think I have to work on myself a lot more before I can begin to function healthily in a serious relationship.