Oops
A lots happened since that cabin trip to Flagstaff and not for the better. I don't even know where to start.
My grandma died last year on May 5th. The way things went down leading up to her death has put a permanent strain and divide in the family. My aunt put her on hospice but told her she was going to get surgery for her twisted bowel. She believed that up to the day she died. One could consider it more merciful to give someone hope in a lie on their deathbed rather than the painful truth. But I don't know. My aunt tried to censor my mom anytime she visited her in the hospital. My grandma didn't get to have any last conversations with family members like her aunt. She didn't get to make peace with God before passing, no last prayers or anything. She should've had closure, I think. But maybe that would've been cruel.
My mom and I were forcibly kicked out of the rental home we'd been in since moving out to AZ in 2017. The owner had died late in 2021 and probate didn't settle until beginning of 2022. The house went to his two nieces, his only heirs. They both lived back east as shopping clerks. The money they'd get from selling the house would "change their lives", as our property manager put it. Yea. It changed ours as well. Especially when we weren't given advanced notice to vacate. Less than a month when we were first notified of his death that we were told we had to get out. I did the best to find us a place in such a short amount of time. We're just now getting everything organized. But anxiety is eating away at us. This had been the second time we were forced to move because the owner wanted to sell. We have no plans to stay here and have it happen to us again.
A vacant lot literally across the street from my sister in Kentucky went up for sale. Mom and I both jumped at the chance to get it. We purchased it late last year and just now got a copy of the recorded deed. Our plan had been to move out to Kentucky and build on that plot of land. Then we were told to move. And all the funds we'd been saving to make our way out there is all but spent. Lord knows if we'll have it recouped by this time next year in order to make the trip but that's what Mom is hoping for. And with building supplies so expensive because of Covid, who knows if we'll ever get to build the house we want.
The moving company we hired to take our furniture and boxes were amazing. They made the experience fun. The one guy overlooking the operation asked if I had a boyfriend. He was cute and very sweet. I said no. We had a lot of common interests and really hit it off. He kept apologizing to both me and Mom about how he was so beside himself and infatuated with me. He was over 10 years older than me. It wasn't a big deal to me. But we hadn't been able to pack up everything before the day the movers were scheduled to come. So we asked him to come back and help with the last minute stuff. And he literally couldn't keep his hands off me. He leaned in for a kiss. I didn't stop him. He told me he didn't want to leave or see me go to Kentucky. I let him hug me and put his hands on my ass. He said he loved my stomach and bent down and kissed it. I was so tired. I was too emotionally distraught. I didn't establish boundaries. When he did finally leave (after threatening to plow through the nearest stop sign so that he'd end up wrecked and give him an excuse to come back to me to wait for paramedics) I felt so sick to my stomach. I lead him on and felt so stupid. I texted him later and apologized that I let him do those things when they weren't actually okay with me. I told him we should take it slow. We haven't conversed in over a month. I still feel so guilty. The first real friend I could've had out in AZ and all he wanted was to "kiss me all over". I want to tear my skin off.
Mom had a big milestone birthday back in April. My sister hosted a birthday party. She had just redone her backyard and resurfaced her pool and spa. She took out the handrails. Mom slipped trying to get out of the spa. She was drunk and angry. She told my brother to fuck off when he tried to help her out. Apparently she said it to my sister too and in front of her children. My sister doesn't want Mom in her life anymore. She only tells us this after a month of radio silence. Mom tried to apologize but this seems to have been the final straw with my sister. Mom keeps venting to me about how she's fine with not being friends with my sister or her family anymore. She's told me multiple times. Yea. She's clearly fine with it.
Damen had dental surgery at the end of April. They did 10 extractions. He's just now getting back to normal diet-wise but Mom is still upset that they took so many teeth. I'm feeling like shit about it. Had I just not been a lazy ass and brushed his teeth regularly he wouldn't have needed so many extractions.
We let go of our biggest HOA in Loma Linda back in 2020. It was long overdue but the fallout was messy. At one point the Board members went to the bank and had our names removed from the account. I couldn't reconcile the accounts and I was the one handling all their finances. The Board was refusing to pay our final invoice. These were the people I at one point made my pumpkin bread for.
We had our biggest and most expensive Halloween 20s-theme party. We hired casino quality tables for roulette, black jack, and craps. I provided the music and prizes. We hired a bar tender and a photographer. Mom tried to make snacks all throughout the night. She didn't get to play any of the tables. She didn't get to enjoy her own party. She said it was the worst experience ever.
I have complicated feelings about my family but who doesn't, right? I love them all so very much and yet I feel like I can't tell them anything. If I told them the truth they either wouldn't understand or roll their eyes and wave it away.
I've struggled internally for what seems like forever. I've wanted to run away. I've wanted to die. I've had thoughts and feelings that I'm not completely straight or cisgender. But everything just feels so wishy-washy. The most I've done in a run away attempt was knock out a screen in the bathroom window back in Yucaipa. I didn't go through with it. The closest I've gotten to cutting was holding a steak knife in the kitchen in the middle of the night. I didn't go through with it. I settled on calling myself bisexual as some kind of way to help me make sense of myself but even that doesn't feel like it's sufficient enough. I hate labels. My conservative family is really only fine with queer people if they play caricatures on TV. I've struggled with feeling like a girl. I remember a classmate back in highschool who commented on my frilly shirt one day, saying "wow! you look feminine!" I remember I almost took it as an insult. I used to have multiple dreams of being "the opposite gender" which for my monkey brain just translated to having a penis. I won't lie when I say it felt euphoric. But that's the nature of dreams, right? I remember I asked Mom if she had any dreams like that. I was hoping this was just something everyone had and that I wouldn't need to worry about it. She said no. I haven't felt the same since. I used to have multiple dreams about kissing one of my close female friends. She would faint every time. In the dreams I took it to mean she didn't feel the same way. I'll never tell her I had these dreams. I can't ruin our friendship. But I would be lying if I said I hadn't fantasized a relationship with her though. It's just something I'll have to take to my grave.
I don't know where I'm going with this. I just feel like I have so many things I've been keeping secret and hidden for so long that I'm going to burst. I've tried to ignore it. I've wanted them all to go away. I want to keep ignoring it. But I can't stop crying as I type this. I've tried to come to terms with the fact that I'm not living for myself. If I die that'll make everyone sad. But I have no dreams. No aspirations. Not anymore. But I'll keep living. If not for myself then at least for the people who love me. I don't want to hurt them. Maybe eventually something will come along that will make me want to keep living. Something more substantial than stupid video games or books or shows. I dunno. I dunno
