I'm Back!

This seems more like a Tumblr appropriate post now.
Maybe I should go on Tumblr and post "I'm back" and see how many people think I've been abducted by aliens.

ANYWHO~

Got back home a couple hours ago. My bro will be heading out to the airport tomorrow. Now that my mom's back, it's his turn to go to Kentucky.

I won't be on winter break until Wednesday. Sigh.

I feel like I should write more but I'm tired and my brain is shot.

Think I will expand on this tomorrow. And perhaps convert this post to Tumblr.

.... 8D

A Collection of Memories and Oddities

My mother's birthday surprise turned out to be a live Trans-Siberian Orchestra concert in Ontario. OH MY GOSH, it couldn't have been any more badass! Full on light show, a snow machine, fire, and a FREAKING GIANT POCKET WATCH THAT SWUNG WHILST ON FIRE... Needless to say I was ecstatic. I told Mom I nearly cried of the amazingness of it all. So, she's won Mother of a Lifetime Award. I had no idea what it was up until we got our seats and they were playing some of their songs in the background. I had mentioned in passing to her when they had a commercial advertising their dates and locations how awesome it would be to attend one of their concerts. Of course, I never believed we would get that opportunity. One of those wishes and wants kind of thing. Mom was happy she was able to keep it a secret till the very end... like, literally, it was an hour before the show actually started that I figured it out. So she gets the awesome award, I get the dimwitted one.

I'll be going to hang with my brother in San Diego for a week and a half this coming Saturday. Mom is taking a plane ride to Kentucky to spend some pre-Christmas time with my sister and her two boys. Nine to ten days I'll be spending with my big bro... let's see how much I can corrupt him with all my crazy interests.

I'm a little worried right now. Something strange happened today.

This popped off the wall. Well, actually, it's more like it was forced off the wall from the inside of that hole. The screws that were supposed to hold the plate are still intact (albeit one of the is bent) and apparently the amount of force used to push it off was enough to make the painting fall off (left side in between the wall and the pantry). Now, this especially freaks me out because it happened while I was watching Supernatural.

SCARED. THE LIVING. SHIT. OUT OF ME.

Of course my first notion is ghosts, but I had to think reasonably. Right outside the building is the dryer vent that had a grate attached to catch any lint that fell out (as well as keeping critters from crawling in). Well, my brother took it off because it was catching so much lint the dryer wouldn't dry the clothes... and he never put it back on. He was skeptical that anything would crawl it's way into the dryer vent. He seems to forget that we're in Yucaipa at the foot of the mountains where our neighbors actually have farm land and animals. Sure, the likelihood of a mouse or rat climbing into the dryer vent is small but it's possible (why else would they make a grate for it????). All of this aside... the way it was "popped off" still concerns me. It used enough force to knock a painting down... and the plate isn't cracked in any way shape or form.

I might not have the heart or stomach to face that thing.

Something Clever Should Go Here

It's finally cloudy here. Yay! I hope the Christmas lights survived. Been having problems with them for the past couple of days and I just fixed the wiring problem yesterday. This is Murphy's Law in effect here if they are shorted out, isn't it? Oh well, I've taped over the outlets to most of them so I won't have to replace all of them if that did happen.

Mom's got a surprise for me today. Early birthday gift she says, one I'll have to leave Damen home for. She went out looking rather nice, but not over the top dressed up, and she told me to wear something similar for the surprise. I still haven't figured out what it is. Usually, when we've left Damen home it was for a movie or restaurant... Of course, lots of places don't allow dogs so ideally it could be anything. Argh. The suspension is killing me.

I finished catching up on Doctor Who on Netflix. Maybe I'll go find a link to the new season that's airing... until then, I think I've accidentally gotten myself hooked on Supernatural. Two episodes and now it's all over for me. My siblings are obsessed with this one show Archer. Not really seeing the charm in it, it's a little too raunchy for my tastes. I'll give it a go and decide after I've seen all two seasons. At least I won't be bored for another couple of months trying to watch these shows.

Is it bad to have a birthday/Christmas list this late in life? The things on it are truly remedial overall on a scale of meaningful gifts... so I think I'll try to raise money and buy them myself. It really irks me whenever it's close to my birthday or close to Christmas and my siblings ask what I want for a gift. It's not that receiving gifts irks me, it's the guilt attached to it. While I receive things in earnest and appreciate everything I'm given, they never fail to be snooty about how I should always appreciate the stuff they get me. Just snide remarks, like:

"You like it? Good. 'Cause we gave up a trip to Disneyland for this."

That, right there. No. Take the goddamned gift back. I would rather get things on my own anyway. I have more of a sense of entitlement that way. It's these kinds of things that make me hate being selfish and telling them what I want when they ask.


On a brighter note, tomorrow's my last day of being a minor. Whoot!

My posts are getting more depressed as time goes on. Sign of the times?

When I'm Old, I'll Have an Excuse to Reminisce

My chest feels heavy. True, I did just have a wonderful morning today, but I think more than ever the past is haunting me.

I got a Facebook message from a boy whom I had not seen nor talked or interacted with since 5th grade. He was among one of the many people I had friended just to touch base with old friends. In reality, it was more about the concept of having friended those people than actually talking to them. I used to update my Facebook status everyday sophomore year; now it's just a newsfeed for me. Anyway, this boy messaged me, which really surprised me. He was one of the few boys I had chased around the playground trying to hug him, to which he subsequently run away because he was afraid of "cooties." I did it everyday, if I could help it; and, as long as they kept running, it never got old. I had always thought he, among the other kids I did this to, would've hated or at least held disgust towards me in some way shape or form. I told him this, but he said that could never happen. I don't know what the point was in messaging me... to talk? I had been friends with him for over 2 years on this website... this is the first time he's ever reached out to talk to me. True, he was moving to Arizona, but amongst the many hundreds of friends I'm sure he had, why me? I might be reading too much into this, he probably contacted everyone from grade school at one point or another. Just to reminisce before cutting off ties for good once he'd moved. Strange, but whatever.

Also, this one incident is older and at best I've tried to get it out of my head, but I remember a dream I had not long ago... within the month I'd say. I was packing up things to move (I'm sensing a pattern but what does it mean?)... I can't remember from which house, the one I used to live in or the one I'm currently living now. Either way, the neighbor came to help or see off, maybe both. He had a dog, smaller than Damen and they played well together. 'Course, we left the door open and there was a moment where they ran out, but after calling them back all was good.

Until the other dog returned to its true owner. It had been the first time in months she crossed my mind.

I don't know why she had a small dog, her dogs were never small last I had visited her. But the dream indicated it belonged to her. And she just stood there and smiled, as if nothing happened, standing in the house to bid me goodbye. I literally stood there, at a loss for words.

And then I started screaming. Just repeating, "Get out! Get out!" I pushed her away, towards the door, dog in her arms, a numb feeling in my chest turning into a passionate hatred. She didn't put up much of a fight, but she was still rather confused. And the audacity of her actions nearly drove me into hysteria.

You lied to me. Cheated, backstabbed, stole from me. On five separate occasions. The first was the hardest one to take. Why? Because you were my best friend. And because of that, I pit everything on you. The reason I have trust issues, why I assume a missing item is stolen, why I feel like nothing. In the end, I never meant anything to you. My material possessions were worth more than our friendship.

I don't hate her. I don't know if I dislike her. I just feel heavy and numb whenever I think about how things used to be... and how she is now. I suppose I'm acting like she never existed. No... because then I wouldn't be thinking about her. It's more like... she means nothing to me now. Sure, I'll save her from a fire and what have you... but other than that, she's not worth my time. In some way, I'm glad we've parted ways. My mother said she knew from the beginning she wasn't a good friend. Anything I did, she did too. If I drew foxes, so did she. If I came up with a story about aliens, she did too. Whenever we played dolls, it was always what she wanted to play. Now, the tomboy baseball playing girl I knew long ago has adorned herself in dresses, makeup, and tattoos up the whazoo. Mom said she's starting to regret her tattoos. Feeling lonely.

So?

I can't forgive. I can't forget. I've already conceded that I'll save her life, if at risk, if I can. She's made it clear to me, however, that she doesn't need me. I did try. I did try to reach out and accept her apologies. That ended in the last two thefts. So mother, please don't make me feel sorry for her. I don't care anymore. The fuck giving has stopped here.

I know they say without the past, how will you know better? You will just repeat the mistakes over and over again. So, for this at least, I will thank her for that. Really, though, in my heart of hearts I wish above all else that none of it would've happened. I don't want to relive the days when we were old friends. When Utopia was a probable outcome of my life. I've moved on, and I'm glad I have. I've probably said this way too many times, but I'll say it again, I've met amazing friends and had wonderful experiences with them. If anything, I will want to relive my days with them anytime.

By the way, Amanda, I want to thank you again for the SPG album! I've listened to it practically everyday since you gave it to me and I'm hooked on almost every single song. Thanks again for the wonderful early birthday gift! :)

Posts

Whoo! I made new posts for Treason of the Mind and Stranger Things Have Happened... It feels so refreshing. Hehe. I'll have to update Birthplace soon, too. Deleted Poison Apple and My Dear Assassin. Both weren't really going anywhere specific and my ideas were running short. Maybe if I find a route to take the stories, I'll be sure to upload them again.

Great. Now this experience almost has me wanting to make blogs again. I never learn, do I? Hehe.

Ugh. Fuck. Perfectly good Sunday down the drain. You know, I love my brother without end. I used to think he could do no wrong. Now I'm starting to see how cruel he is.

I'm not going back to Grove next year. My grades have gone to hell in a fucking hand basket in the past two years and, while I love the environment, it's not for me. It's too laid back, it's all so, so. And I fell into mindset of "Oh, I have two days to do it. I don't need to do it now" and then it'd never get done. I can't handle that. This year I've decided to home school. I did it all through junior high, met with a teacher every month, all my courses were online. Sure, I probably fell into a deep depression that I'm still having a hard time escaping, but I got shit done. Six hours worth of work; all of it done in two. Oh, but dear old brother doesn't like that. He wants me to socialize, to have hundreds of friends, that if I don't I'll regret it all in the future.

I don't want hundreds of friends. Because then they'll cheat, lie, steal, anything they can do to milk me dry and then toss me aside so easily like a broken toy. No one has a hundred friends they can trust with their lives. I don't want to fucking go through all of that. I went through it once. And it was with a best friend. I don't want to socialize with people. I'm perfectly content sitting in a room by myself with nothing but my computer. I have all the friends I need. And I love every single one of them. I actually make the effort to see them as often as I can. And who at Grove will do that when I'm gone? Fifteen will probably wonder where I've gone. Five of them will actually ask me. One of which will talk about meeting up sometime. None of them will go through with it.

Then I had the chance to hang with him for four days at his place. Went to a couple of outdoor restaurants (because we had Damen). I decided to open up a little bit. About that lingering thought that I'll end up dying alone because I was meant to, about how I'm not a big fan of kids. I should've just kept my mouth shut. Because no one understands. I'm not even sure I understand myself. But still, I don't want a reply like "You're too young to be thinking about that." The one about the kids still gets to me.

"You have to learn patience or else you'll be the one to drive a wedge between your sisters."

Excuse me? I see. I guess family bonds suck ass then, especially ours. Oh, the kids will not want to see you! They won't have good memories! They won't like you!

FUCK. OFF. The day I learn patience with kids is the day I have them, and since everyone expects me to die a virgin, then either it's not happening or wait till I'm not a fucking teenager anymore and I know what the fucking hell I'm talking about.

So basically I can't please anybody and I'll be the death of the family. I guess I'll just go back to public school then and fuck the first guy I see. Or maybe I should die since it's either me or the family.

I need an emo corner.

Starving

I'm having a desperate need to find new music. Any, all, just something. I wish I could do what I sometimes do and come across a really good band, but of course it's hard to differentiate between sounds when you're constantly looking. Still doesn't mean I won't stop looking until I'm satisfied for, hmm... a week?

Maybe it doesn't help that I just finished both seasons of Sherlock. Mom was really hooked, a first for any kind of the shows I've tried to sucker her into. 'Course, she loves anything Sherlock and really enjoyed the modern twist to the BBC series. So now that we've finished, she's dying to for the next season. I am too, I wanna know how Sherlock escaped death. I knew he would so I didn't think there was a need to get torn up over the fact that he was gonna die. But freaking John. I swear, that dude nearly reduced me to tears. God, I wanted to punch something after that. Like, "NO. JOHN. NO. DON'T YOU DARE MAKE ME- OH FREAKING GOD." Yea, not fair.

I've also been catching up on some Doctor Who in my free time. Finished season 1... up to The Impossible Planet on season 2. Brilliant episodes with awesome characters. I'm "eh" about Rose. I think she does well when she knows her comfort zone is secure, but once that's taken away or changed she completely breaks down. As in The Christmas Invasion. She did nothing but cry the entire time, just 'cause Ten was still regenerating. So... think she's got some security issues. Might rub off from Mickey. God, he's annoying. I think Rose was starting to get sick of him, too. You could see it when she attempted to coax Sarah Jane to join instead of Mickey (Sarah Jane must be from the original DW or something because The Doctor knew her but you don't see her in new series and what).

So yea, that's about my summer in a nutshell.

Been busy the past couple of days. Or weeks. When was last I posted on here? I can't recall off the top of my head. Been working furiously on the D.V. blogs. Got a blog for almost every one of my characters. Between Brigitte and I, there's got to be around... fifty in all? Enough to notice a pattern:

I create strong women, some of whom are emotionally challenged and have no concept of love or sympathy. My men are usually weak and are shy as hell. 'Course that's been changing lately. Got about... three men who are badass. But again, emotionally challenged.

Brigitte makes lots of badass guys. Act very proper, ripped to the T, and some of which are mercenaries. She told me her women aren't that strong, though again there are exceptions.

We're gonna bring about the apocalypse. In the story. Although I wouldn't be surprised if we caused it in real life. Lol.

I'm noticing my music library growing considerably. And yet I still find myself constrained. I want more. 0.0 ... I'm not crazy. XD

Umm... there was more I wanted to say but since I haven't had my morning coffee, I'm still a walking zombie. I'll probably be back on here later when it finally does dawn on me.

Oops

In bad mood today. Sick feeling in my stomach. I'm just done. I would love to just lock myself in my room for a day and not be disturbed. Listen to music. Watch movies. Indulge in the things my family thinks is creepy and hates. I'm truly the only oddball, aren't I? Or maybe I should conform to what they want.

Yep. Seriously bad mood. Feel like tearing a few heads off today. Or crying. It's like they enjoy torturing me. Whatever. Guess I'll have to grow a thick skin to get through it since no one gives a crap what I like or don't like.

Ugh. I want to find a way to escape. But I'm always looking for a way. Out of desire or out of boredom. But now is the time where I need the escape. Badly.

Half Asleep

Been on summer break for a week. Yea, haven't been able to keep up with updates. Been stuck with my 4 year old nephew since Thursday and each time I'm reminded why I don't want children. Just. No. Sorry, mom.

Anyway, what was I going to say? Umm... Hi. Lol. Need to start getting on top of my DW and Sherlock. Among other things. Like Blogger, Blender... Yea. Busy summer so far. Gotta mak it last.

Where One Story Begins...

I haven't had much time to think. Been working on missing assignments. Finals next week. God, so many papers. Why did I let it get so bad? Oh, because I was lazy and stupid and confused. Using the excuse that I didn't see the point in getting a good education if it's not gonna do me a damn bit of good in the world as it is now. Plus, I don't see myself important enough to find motivation to the contrary. I'm one out of a couple billion people. Honestly, chances of me making a great change to the world is slim, and unless you can make a great change to the world, your life is wasted. At least that's my mentality. Damn, didn't think I'd be this pessimistic. But I guess I am. I know where it started, but it's too late to change anything. I've tried. I found it easier not to. I've taken the path of immediate pleasures over rewarding ones after a hard day's work.

I think I'm doomed to end up wandering the streets, homeless and hungry. With nothing but my wild imagination to escape it all. I curse it sometimes, my imagination. If I wasn't so fucking creative, I'd get shit done. I wouldn't waste my time doing trivial, unimportant things. But they aren't trivial. They are important. And a part of me hates that truth. I don't have a shred of decency, do I? Am I rambling? Wouldn't be surprised. Last few... weeks, I guess, have been on the high end of the emotional rollar coaster. So many times I thought about ending it. 'Course, I'm too much of a coward to go through with my mental threats. I don't want to feel pain before it ends. Don't want it to be a mess. Don't like knowing what's waiting on the other side. I feel like there is so much I could still do, but then I remind myself how unimportant I am to the whole of society.

Everything comes full circle.

So, I guess I'll just do what I'm supposed to do and just finish and repair my mistakes. And just live life knowing I'm part of a great machine and I will be nothing more than that.

I. HATE. FEELING. LIKE. THIS.

Today is both horrible and amazing. I forgot my supplies for my percussion minicourse and I felt like crap. Even cried in the school bathroom stalls for 20 minutes before finally calming down. But then I get to the class and it turns out half of the people were helping with the play preparations anyway. So we got to do whatever we liked, which was relieving. I opted to do my homework, cuz I have a ton of it, but didn't get much done cuz I don't understand much of it. It's math, so that shouldn't surprise me. Ugh. Sometimes I wish I wasn't math illiterate.

I was supposed to do an Ocarina performance today for the art rally, but I decided not to do it. I know it probably wasn't the right thing to do, but I hadn't memorized any songs and didn't feel particularly obligated to the club anyway. Especially since it's technically been disbanded. It was created for a senior project and it was poorly run. We basically just did whatever we wanted and learned whatever songs we wanted to learn on our own. And yet by the end of it, the senior lashed out at us for not learning three songs comprehensively as a group to meet the goal of his project. He threw a fit; punching walls wherever he went. I don't know; is that not good enough reason for me not to feel obligated? I wasn't about to do his senior project for him, which is what he was obviously expected from the members. That everything was going to magically happen in his favor. Pft!

Next will be my Music Changing Lives minicourse... I have to record a song of my choosing. Though you're alone with just the recording device, I never cease to get stage fright. I know everything will flow smoothly once I start singing... Overall, it's a very stressful Wednesday. Next week is supposed to rain... during CST's.

Can I take a nap now?

Bleh.

School teaches you a lot about yourself. How committed you are to things, which traits you favor in a person or adult, and respect... amongst the countless things your supposed to be learning.

I keep thinking I might be an existentialist. We go over it in English class to describe the authors of the Lost Generation. They don't believe in a God, which I'm also eh about. I do somewhat sort of believe in fate and destiny. They also see no point or meaning in life... and that's the part I'm struggling with the most. I'm pretty sure there's meaning to the things that happen in life... my life, however, I'm not so sure about. I mean... I always think on the grander scale of things. One human life in the sea of billions... and how can I make sure to make mine worthwhile? Maybe that sounds a little selfish... and yet I feel like I have an obligation. They highlight the people who've made a change in the world... kind of hard not too, but... for me, it's like setting the bar. Either do something for the world or your life means nothing? I don't know... the more I keep thinking about it, the more ridiculous it sounds. To the people and family who want me to succeed, it sounds like a terrible excuse for my lack of motivation.

I shouldn't be surprised. Adults just take what I say with a grain of salt. So then I don't say anything and they just assume I'm fine.

I lost my train of thought. It derailed on me. Thinking like this really gets me tired. I suppose it's because I've revisited it so often expecting something from it and it just feels tedious. Plus, it's the morning... I'm not quite awake yet. But it always feels like that. I'm always tired and everything passes by in a passive kind of way...

I just wanna wake up so bad. >.<

That Which They Call My Salvation

I had an epiphany.

Sounds crazy, but I may make another blog... I know, I haven't been up to date with my other ones (I'm also secretly hoping this will get me back involved so that way I can finish them). But it'll be about the story Brigitte, V, and I are writing... I may have already said the name and concept but hey, no harm for a recap?

It's called D.V. Night and it follows the story of twin vampire sisters Dusk and Vyra Roseland. They flee to Japan after their identity as vampires is revealed. They have two brothers, Alkirn (older) and Solar (younger) and a mother, Wyoka. Their father, Dante Lestrade, died in an attempt to prevent a prophecy he himself created about the end of the world concerning his twin daughters (that if the twins were born, the world would begin its end; if only one child was born, everything would remain in balance). Their mother a vampire and their father a human, every one of the children except Dusk (maybe Alkirn) are half-breeds. There's a creature, born every few millenia, called an Auranov that eats souls instead of blood and is one born of pure darkness. When one is born, he/she is automatically appointed ruler of the vampire and Vampire Council. Dusk is an Auranov. It would have been Alkirn if she had not been born, so instead he's a Dark Vampire. Solar's a Bat Master, who matured at the early age of ten...

I feel like there are too many technicalities. Heehee. Oh, well... they are important. Later, their important. XD I should probably make the point of this whole idea, yes? Yes, you should do that Lexi. <- Yes, I talk to myself... out loud sometimes, too, people look at me funny. Ha!

Well, the whole story is basically a supernatural soap opera... not to be confused with Supernatural (although I've never seen a blip of it so I have no idea). Lot to do with correcting the balance of light and darkness, too... Anyway, we've incorporated a fair amount of characters from Brigitte's stories (including Lucian and Seraphina, from the book Forbidden she was gonna write for her Senior Project). V's created one: a half dragon, half pheonix? I think that's it. Mostly, though, half of the characters are either vampires or werewolves. I can honestly say this is my first story to have this many plot twists and characters. Maybe I'll grit my teeth and actually sit down and write it all out. I've already kept a good timeline, so that should help me loads!

Anyway, that's my epiphany. Create a blog with this story... Still, full with indecision. Especially the title. The story is called D.V. Night... I kinda like the title I used for this post, though. Blah! Indecision! Heehee.

Been a While

I've slowed down significantly these past few months... or maybe I'm just channelling all my energy into something else. Typical me. Start something and never finish it; instead start a new activity. I need to fix that. I still have things I need to finish. It's a good habit to get into.

Lot of stuff happened. Winteriums, I guess, are the earliest. Just basically went around local places in Redlands and then Laguna Beach... I can't decide if it was as bad or worse than last year's winterium. I'm actually thinking I might make one to go to Herst's Castle or Winchester Mansion. Really wanna go to Winchester Mansion.

Anyway, I've had a nice break from the blogs... gonna get started again real soon.

Strange... I feel like I've had a lot to say and planned to put much more detail in this post. Maybe it wasn't that important anyway.

I find myself drifting. In a lot of things and it's starting to weigh down on me. My story, D.V., is taking many twists and turns... not always for the good, but hey, I think it's still in its early stages. But I think it takes those turns because of a lack of communication. I hardly talk to V anymore. Brigitte I can't get to shut up, but eh, that's love for ya. Heh. I don't think I'm distributing my time evenly between friends. 'Course, I'd hate to be a bother to anyone...

I find it especially strange why I feel this way. I'm always so cautious and guarded... one would think I was beaten as a kid or told I was a waste of space. But it's the opposite. So maybe it's something else making me feel this way... I've always felt this way. I remember writing my mother notes asking if I could go to the bathroom when I was younger. I was too afraid to ask in person. Why was I afraid in the first place? She never raised a hand to me... never really yelled at me. Perhaps I'm just naturally paranoid. Wonderful.

I'm also having trouble starting my way in the world. I know what I want to be, but I don't know where to start. Like a story... I know what I want the story to be; I envision certain scenes and events clearly... but where to start? How do I begin the story properly to flow into my vision? It's like that now, only it's real... I don't know where to go to make my vision reality.

I suppose the best way to start... is to do the best I can. Even if it's tedious, even if it seems stupid or that I won't need it in the real world... I'll just have to do what they want me to do for another year... Then I can set sail anywhere I please. Yea. That's what I'm going to do.

Doing Some Thinking

I've actually been rather upbeat this past week. Don't know if it's cuz I took an emotional break from my numerous Blogger accounts and numerous Facebook accounts, but I think it's safe to say that that was what was getting me so hyped. Heehee. Yes, I find that funny.

This week was finals for the end of the second trimester. Went over pretty well, except Spanish. That stressed me out. Couldn't read half of what the sentences I was supposed to conjugate said. So my back was in a lot of pain on top of my monthly. Oh what joy. Luckily mom got me a crap load of chocolate so I don't think I'll be killing anyone this time. Mwahaha.

Also, I got a new website put up. Been editing it all week. Wanted to kill it a few times cuz it just wouldn't cooperate. It's far from being done, but then again, when is a website ever done? Exactly. There are 47 characters on that website, not all of them are from me, but I got to thinking lately. I've shared this revaluation with Brigitte and she agrees with me that all of the characters we create are just an extension of ourselves, augmenting a certain trait or aspect that is part of us as whole. So, taking away the ones that don't belong to me, I'd say I have around 35 extensions of myself roaming around. Kind of creepy when you think about it. Especially this one character, Alice, who deals with an inner entity of madness called Dawn. I'm trying to think when and how that applies to a small part of me in certain situations. Dawn always threatens and tries to kill Alice. And Alice is just a girl trying to find strength and power from friends to fight off Dawn. Dawn wants to be real and Alice just wants friends. Maybe there's a lot more depth in my characters as a reflection of myself than I thought. Something to think about.

I feel like I should have more to say, but honestly, that's all I've been doing really. Nothing spectacular. Except Doctor Who. Got to watch some of that this week. Mom loves certain concepts of certain episodes, like Atmos and the Sontarans. So we might have hope to continue forward with it together. Hopefully we can get through the sad parts and still love it. Heehee.

Oh, and, SPRING BREAK!!! Whoo!

Praxis Is Over Now

Today was the presentations. I felt pretty good; I didn't feel nervous or anything. Probably because I knew what I was talking about. That's rare. Hehe.

Well, I'm ready for spring break. I'm feeling strangely light that I'm getting suspicious. Especially since I had a frustrating day yesterday. Nothing happened to me per say, I just got annoyed. Watched Princess Mononoke and it was as if people could not help themselves but to comment on every little damn cliche in the goddamned movie. It's not like I haven't seen it before, but it was a first for me in english and plus I was concerned about everyone else whose experience might've been ruined. I should stop caring so damn much about other people who don't even know me. Anyway, that was already pissing me off and then Ocarina club afterwards was JUST A BALL. Apparently, the dude running it just found out he needed to turn in an English essay the next day that he thought was due next week. Also, he hadn't finished his praxis video so he let everyone do what they fucking wanted. Let's just say I was severely disappointed in him, ESPECIALLY since he didn't use that hour to improve upon either thing but rather showed off what he had of his praxis to another classmate. I think the fucker just wanted free time with his friends. He has responsibilities as the conductor (or whatever) of the club and he just blows it off. And yet how many times does he chastise people who don't show up to the meetings??? I asked my mom to pick me up early and just broke down in tears, I was so frustrated.

So that left me with little hope for humanity. Fucking irresponsible, rude assholes. Or I don't know, maybe I'm too nice and stuff that I'll be killed off by natural selection so that the dumb ignorant people will continue making the world dumb and ignorant. I know there's not a damn thing I can do about, but I absolutely REFUSE for it to be forced onto me. Or whatever. I should just stop giving a damn.

Ugh. This fucking rant. I'm just too sensitive. I'm not a violent person but I would not hesitate to break a vase if I had the chance. No, I shouldn't take it out on the vase. Maybe I'll just eat cookies and sulk. Wait, I ate all the cookies. FML.

And now this isn't going anywhere. Blah. I'm upset. And I shouldn't be. Stupid people should not steal my joy. That would be easier if it weren't for the fact they outnumber me.

I want to do something. Like buy a book or two. Or have ice cream. How long has it been since I've had ice cream? Or a game. Play a game. I've never considered going out for a run, but it's such a beautiful day. Or a swim. Oh god this is beginning to be funny. Wish I had insurance so I could go to a doctor and see if I have bipolar or something. Just for the fun of it. and mess with the doctor. Ooh! I'm going to watch more Doctor Who. I should stop now. XD

Oh, also, it didn't help I talked about not forgiving a former friend who backstabbed me 5 times no matter how much I wish things could be like they were back then. But I think I'm starting to let go. Maybe that's why I'm feeling so light~

Status Updates on Blogs

Blah. Don't really know what to say.

Okay, so, Treason of the Mind... That's going to end soon; most likely before the summer. Gonna have Zero get caught by the police soon. Don't really know what's going to happen to Ella's blog after she's gone... maybe she'll be killed or converted by Sin. Meh.

Also don't know why I made Sin's blog; seemed like an interesting concept to have an assassin. Course, that's actually when you have something for the assassin to do that makes it interesting. So... might not last long.

I might be going someplace with Stranger Things Have Happened. An entire blog based off superstition... course, it just turns more to storytelling than actually convincing others it might be real but I think that ship has sailed even with the Slenderman thing. Heh.

Can't say the same for Poison Apple. Has a good story, don't know how to keep it moving. So, if I can't figure out what I want to do soon, I might end it early.

And Birthplace... love the concept, but I know so little about the Slenderverse that I might come off as an amateur. I was hoping I could do more with the actual world Dark and Slenderman came from... might be able to do that later.

Now I'm tempted to just dedicate a blog to storytelling. Just a story, and the posts being chapters or segments of chapters... seems appealing. Would be able to then get it down faster, I think. Always seems discouraging when you want to write something but you only think about tackling it all at once.

Ugh, I shouldn't make posts when I'm tired. I'm pretty sure I'll look at this in the morning and be like... god, I was an idiot. Heehee.

So, yea, just had to get it down. Don't know if it helped. I suppose blogging helps bring a little reality to these thoughts. Not sure. Just sleepy. Night, night.

I Know What's Wrong

And I can't believe I was too stupid to recognize the deeper meaning of it. I have always known that I was a procrastinator and that when I attempt to do things at the last minute and they don't go according to plan, I panic... Kind of a common thing, no? Only... for almost all my life I believed I was picked out to be the victim. And only now do I realize that I'M actually the one putting myself there.

What happened not too long ago is a perfect example. There's a Valentine's Dance tomorrow and I wanted Brigitte to come. Now, even though the Dance was announced about a week in advance, I still waited until the last minute to even ask whether or not she could go since she technically wasn't a Grove School student anymore. Gena said that Brigitte would need to fill out a guest pass and that she would approve of her going. So I gave the form to Ashley, Brigitte's little sister, to give to her when she got home... only to be informed later that she had lost it. This was yesterday when I'd already left the school campus. I became very upset, telling her I knew it would be too good to be true for her to actually come someplace with me. And she remained calm and clear-headed, trying to ease my frustrations.

I felt like the victim... when really if I bothered to do this earlier the whole mess could've been avoided. And... I almost expected her to feel sorry for me. I am truly the worst offender.

Cloudy Mind

I've been neglecting everything and everyone. I feel like Facebook is taking over my life. Haven't been able to do any blog updates. Or talk to Amanda about her blog updates. Homework is lacking. I feel terrible. But I can't concentrate. I see no motivation. I think I'm beyond spiritualistic. I don't really see the need to keep progressing if it'll mean nothing when I die. It's more the fulfillment of wanting to accomplish something that keeps me going, but I feel like it's not happening right now. And I'm not taking a proactive approach to correct it, to accomplish things. I just don't see any point. I'm not saying I'm going to commit suicide or anything. But really, what can I do that someone else hasn't done before me?

I'm feeling really lazy as a result lately. Like, for the past month. I feel like crap for not doing anything. Maybe I'm depressed. I don't really see why. I'm not secluding myself from everyone. At least, I don't think so. I feel tired all the time. I went to bed early last night and I still feel like I'm experiencing life through a passive point of view. Like it's all a dream.

I don't want to let anyone down. But it's my life too, right? What am I supposed to do with it? Why can't I do it now and get it over with?

I can't gather my thoughts. I feel sad, angry, and tired. I don't want to do this anymore.

The Challenges of Sin

Because I felt like typing it out. :)


He was a simple man; although he could hardly claim the title of manhood. In truth, he was naught but a boy with the demeanor of a cold-hearted killer who executed orders given to him by higher powers. He was noble and just, as he would demand the life or item of the client equal to the sin of hiring him to assassinate a chosen individual. He was kind and understanding; as a child he often tormented a friend by forcing her to undergo rigorous training, knowing that she could rise above it stronger and wiser than before. Sin's sky blue eyes withheld all within the dungeon of his mind, yet a single smirk or chuckle could give away his true feelings. He was not one suited for the role of assassin, but he was worthy and skilled so another to be chosen for the task was foolish. It was what he aspired to be, like his father before him, but his father mysteriously disappeared and was rumored to have been captured and killed. Yes, in many ways he was but a child, but his stature and resonance of a calm, resulted aura would fool even the trained eye into believing he were a man. As such, much was expected of him and he met those expectations accordingly. He was responsible and wished to be taken seriously and his loyalty proved just that. Yes, he was still a child in the role of a man and his full transition to one was still beyond his reach.


Fierce as he portrayed himself to be his eyes could not hide the horror, even for the slightest moment, at the command that he must annihilate a special individual. It was the very same friend mentioned before, the one whom he had trained as a child, who was confirmed to have turned rogue and betrayed the people she was destined to rule. Sin searched in the eyes of his employers, the heads of the Council, but failed to find a trace of levity to imply a friendly joke. The command was absolute and the fear and sorrow of such an order gently glazed the eyes of every member; one in particular, the girl's father, was the most noticeable. He along with his wife had little hope for their child; they had believed she could not be a ruler to reign with an iron fist. They had allowed Sin to train her, but results of such were unsatisfactory. Another was called in to take over the process, the very one who stood at the end of the Council seats as the Royal Advisor looking just as shocked and fearful as Sin felt. The reflective feelings were echoed within the Royal Advisor but Sin gathered his composure within seconds. Fear and sorrow no longer clouded his judgement; rather, it was relief and peace he felt beating in his chest. He had been awaiting this day; for you see, he had been present during the girl's transformation into the treasonous and dangerous foe she came to be. He thought, at that moment, he had convinced himself he forever lost the companion he was so eager to see each and every day. No, that girl is lost, he had said, dead to me like the winter's frost that mercilessly kills any and everything it touches. It is what he attempted to convince himself, yet during the confusion and contemplation he watched and allowed her to escape from his grasp.


Yes, there was still doubt and he had been unable to accept it no matter how hard he tried. He needed to be strong; as his job as an assassin, he could not hesitate. Perhaps it was best, he concluded, to face this doubt and the memories of a sweet, determine girl intent on being stronger and step into the reality of a fiend who chose power over friendship. He glanced at the Royal Advisor, also a friend, as she shook her head in disappointment. Then, the pure irony of it all finally engulfed him. Wasn't he just the same?


He could not face it. His ruthless, cold heart began to thaw and crack. He would not kill his former friend. He would do everything in his power to bring her back alive and well. So, with this resolve, the fears of a boy were put to rest and the love of a man stepped onward.


By Alexis Kirtland
Written on 1/24/12

I Will Go Down Will This Ship

Coffee house tonight. It's like a talent show put on by the school. I'm going up twice; once with three others to do a Clap Happy routine, and another time by myself singing a song. I tried singing the song last time we had coffee house, but I was bumped off the list because people thought I "didn't want to do it." I wasn't the only bumped off and another student had to go and re-assign himself on the list. But last time, it was held by the Farm students and there was basically one girl who was on the stage at all times trying to hog the glory. I thought I was fine with it when they didn't call my name, but later I broke down into tears. I was going out on an emotional limb and it felt as though they shot me down.

So I'm going to try again tonight. Totally not ready for this, but at the same time I have been practicing. It's never easy to go up on stage, especially alone. Really, it's the anticipation that kills me than the actual performance. I know I won't break no matter how much I think I will. I just need incentive to keep plowing forward and do it. So, without further ado, wish me luck!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2pwT2wiZsg0
Song: White Flag
Artist: Dido
I do not have or claim to have any association with this video.

The Last of My Dark Secrets

... or, "I Need to Vent 3." But really, this isn't something that's overall bothered me. And it's certainly not uncommon with anyone my age. Everyone makes a snide comment here and there about it.


"Me being born is a sin."

"I don't get why you like me so much."

"I'm such a screw-up."

For me, there's a fine line between revealing your innermost thoughts and doing it for attention. But, really, when one is depressed, they do need help to free themselves and sometimes their means of asking aren't always clear or expected. It's stuff we hear on a daily basis. Yet we dismiss it (or others will dismiss it for us) when it might've been the hardest leap that person made to even murmur such words of sorrow. Because none of us want to let it on that we don't have it all together. And when we toss aside our pride for the sake of help by simply uttering a truthful sentence, it is easily disregarded. And while friends will have the best intentions at heart to make sure everything remains the way it is, change is necessary for a strong relationship. It's alright to admit your closest friend is dying inside. It's alright to acknowledge that you may unstable yourself. Because although most of us just want understanding than just sympathy or empathy, our closest ties are what matters. Knowing you're not alone is truly a blessing, in my opinion.

I was exactly like that person stated above. Years before, I mindlessly threw around the idea of the elimination of my existence. I never made an effort to carry out these thoughts, but they consumed them nonetheless. It was especially horrible when I would become upset or angry. And I would've given anything and everything to make sure I never hurt anyone ever again.

My past is hazy so I'm not sure everything I say may be laid down in stone. But the first time I remember trying to reach out, it ended tragically. Or, to me, it seemed that way. One of my friends was revealing her inner thoughts to me as we exchanged texts; how she always thought about dying and taking her life. Here, again, did I feel like the victim. I listen to the woes of others and making them feel better ultimately brightens my day. Yet, they never ask me in turn what truly bothers me. Has Lexi thought about suicide? Has she ever hated herself with a burning passion before? Normally, people will not ask these questions about a person they think has everything. A loving family. A plethora of items and gifts. Popularity with almost everyone they meet. So, finally tired of my failed attempts to cheer her up, I challenged her about which of us was the more disturbed. She dismissed my comment; saying I had everything and therefore no reason to have thoughts similar to hers. I blew up the phone, squeezing as much as I could into 160 characters. I don't even remember what I said. But it was enough to scare her. She replied and told me to never say such things again and how horrible those words were that I relayed to her. It was at least three years ago that that happened. I'm not even sure she remembers it.

Then there came to be a turning point in my thought pattern. No, I still continued to think about losing my life. But, after a deep discussion with my mother over the play Antigone, I realized how powerful and harmful suicide was. Would it put my mind at ease, maybe, probably not, but it would certainly devastate any and all who ever cared for me in life. So, I deliberated. I didn't think I had any right to continue existing, but now there were no thoughts about, "what would happen if I took this knife and cut myself?" or "what if I burned the house down?" Instead I had, I'd like to call it, "accidental" thoughts about suicide. Things such as, "I wouldn't care if a car came and crashed through my window" and "I deserve to be shocked dead" (as I plug in a power cord into an outlet). Okay, so not very suicidal, but nonetheless very depressing.

Sometimes I catch a glimmer of that depression now and again; a thought that makes me wish I had never been born. Mostly when I'm upset or angry, again. So I think it's alright now. I mean, I'm not cured, but social life has definitely given me a distraction. And for those friends who still relay me their innermost feelings, I willingly reassure them how things can turn around and get better. I think my stubborn personality evolved from my depression. I refuse for a friend to be depressed or sad. I refuse for them to give up, knowing they can go on. I refuse to be trapped in the darkened corner of my mind and play the victim when I know there are those out there who really need my support. Because, all in all, making others feel good is what truly makes me happy.

I Need to Vent 2

So, because I'm still in a somewhat crappy mood from last night, I'm going to do another post of personal pet peeves of my past. Actually, just one in particular. And it's the one that I think hurts the most because I have to face it almost everyday on social networking sites.

I've stated before in the previous post that I don't trust my dog to not piddle on the floor as I'm taking him outside to do his business. That's just a small taste of my serious trust issues, which I'd like to believe began with that one event that (I firmly believe) changed my life forever.

In elementary school, I had a best friend who shared the same first name as I. So, because of that, we attempted to find outfits that matched. We would call each other the night before and coordinate our attire to make it seem like we were twins. And like twins, we had a lot of similarities. We liked video games, we liked Pokemon, we watched the same TV shows, and we loved to draw. Yet, also like twins, we also had a lot of opposing traits. She was very athletic, able to do cartwheels with just one hand. She would play soccer with the boys during recess, she was on a local baseball team, she was a risk taker, a total tomboy. And, believe it or else, I was more close to a girly girl than ever before in my life. I wore pink, wore skirts, I liked boys, my favorite thing to do was WALK AROUND THE PLAYGROUND DEEP IN THOUGHT. This is not to say everything I did was of a stereotypical girl. I enjoyed the swings, I drew things for other people because they knew I was good. I even one time colored in a truck completely in black, something that was a "guy thing" back then (which surprisingly none of the boys had actually colored in their ENTIRE truck in black so they were fawning over me~).

Anyway, back to the matter at hand. What I remember most, despite all these things I've mentioned in great detail, were the sleepovers. We had them constantly, alternating between each others' houses. We played with Bratz and Barbies, traded Pokemon cards, played a video game... We were inseparable.

Or... so I thought. That little bubble of perfection was soon popped and opened my eyes to the truth. And it was during my homeschool years, I believe. We arranged to have a double sleepover, at her house first and then she'd come sleep at my house the following day. It was a genius idea and we were eager for those days to arrive. I don't even remember the day and a half I spent at her house. I assume we had a good time, but it's importance has been lost with time. Because it was the second part of the sleepover at my house that mattered the most.

The night of the sleepover at my house we were negotiating and trading Pokemon cards. Some we refused to give up because they were too valuable to us. We didn't trade based on stats; we traded based on the quality of the pictures on the cards. If they weren't appealing to our eyes, we wouldn't trade for them. So, naturally, some trades didn't occur because of that. Eventually, though, we were content with what we had and retired for the night and our game would resume the following morning. Around noon, her mother had arrived and she obliged to help me clean up. Our teamwork quickly tidied up the house and she left. I was satisfied, I was content, happy... I picked up the book which held all the cards I had ever collected and, as a favorite pastime of mine, I looked through the pages to gaze at the beautiful pictures.

And then I was horrified. Of course I panicked and looked everywhere I could but the missing cards were no where to be found. Did they get lost in the shuffle of all our fun? Could it have been a mistake? Three calls were made to her household; on the third count her mother warned her it would be the last call ever made on the matter. Then, finally, she caved and revealed where the missing cards were stashed.

In the pages of her Bible.

I'd like to say I immediately cut ties with her and pushed her out of my life, but, unfortunately, I still believed there was some good in her. So, as a result of my ignorance, four additional thefts occurred. A video game, dolls (which were returned of her own accord), a suspected stolen movie, and bobble headed animals. THEN, and only until that very moment of the morning when I discovered the missing bobble heads, did I severe the small threads of hope for good. And for the next several years, I was happier.

Until her image popped back up around freshman year on the social networking site, Facebook. She friended me, commented on statuses and pictures... as though nothing had changed between us. As though we were still friends. Seeking me out, as she had done to instigate our first meeting, and then forcing me to push her away because of her own actions. And now she wishes to rebuild what was lost.

My mother wishes for me to forgive her, to pity because she's a lost little soul with her tattoos and piercings. She's crying for help, she says, you shouldn't keep holding this grudge. And as sympathetic of a person I am and how non-shallow minded I am, I refuse. I refuse to throw aside the memories just to be hurt again. The scars hurt at the sight of her and I'm afraid it will take an entire lifetime before I can feel maybe even an inkling of pity or forgiveness. I'm not the one who screwed up, who separated us and ruined the friendship that we had. I suppose, more than anything, I'm waiting for an apology.

In the meantime, I can't have my mind dwell on the pain she has caused me. I can't let her control my life just because she is a lost soul in need of guidance. I have learned my lesson and I have already moved on. I don't want to live in the past.

So, that's what I think made me so guarded and not trusting. It may also be why I don't open up my feelings and true thoughts to people. I don't know, it makes me sound like a helpless victim. It's not as if I still don't do what I love or that I don't have friends. In fact, I'd say I have thrived and grown these past few years. I'm still standing. I'm still capable of trust. I'm still me. :)

So, I Have A Puppy...

... and he is absolutely the most adorable thing ever! Five months old, Schnauzer-Poodle mix, nice mellow personality... Only sometimes he forgets himself. This has resulted in numerous scenarios. He's learned how to jump off the couch and recently has accomplished in jumping back onto the couch (this seems to only be possible if he frisky and wants to play)... and then he piddles when he's excited. Now, I know he's just a puppy and there are certain things he can't help and, as his mother, I'm obligated to teach him and remind him the rules of the house. Which was what I had to do last night, after I had JUST taken him out minutes before. Ugh. So, I punished him, told him it was bad, that he was naughty, and the like. Around an hour and half passes by before I decide to forgive him. We resumed playing until he was content with chewing his toys by himself. It was perfect; I had to start on my homework anyhow. My studies were interrupted when my mother, on an adjacent couch to the one where I was sitting, suddenly says, "Oh, he needs to be spanked for that."

Yes, he piddled on the floor AGAIN. In the same night. Within four and a half hours he piddled twice. After I had just punished him and then just began to forgive him. That was the last straw. He would be stripped of the privilege of sleeping with me at night on my bed.

Now, Lord knows why, but whenever he makes a mistake or has an accident, I cry. Out of frustration, sure, and also makes me think I'm a terrible mother. How I can't teach an apparently intelligent breed to NOT go in the house. I know it will take time, but it still disappoints me every time he does it. Especially this time because he did it twice in a row. Like, I didn't punish you just for you to do it again cuz you felt like it. I gave you PLENTY of opportunities to go outside. And you just piss on my hospitality, on my rules, on my love. There was no excuse for that second "accident." And people wonder why I carry him everywhere. Because I don't trust him to not go on the carpet. I'm not sure I ever will, even when he becomes full grown and knows better.

But he loves me. I know he does. He mourns when I leave; he doesn't eat when I'm gone, doesn't play with his grandma, doesn't chew on his toys, doesn't wander around looking for scraps. He becomes little more than a living breathing stuffed animal. And when I'm around, he turns a 180! Very clingy and very one person kind of dog. So I imagine it's very traumatizing to go hours without being with his mother (which he was so accustomed to being with me all day over winter break) and in this state of confusion, fear, anxiety, he forgets his place in my presence. I imagine, I HOPE, it will become easier as he gets older, as this routine becomes natural for him and he'll be more cooperative.

All in all, while I may be a "good mother" as my mother believes I am, this puppy has reinforced my adamant desire of not wanting children. EVER. Lol.

Trimester 2 Praxis Question

Praxis Question:

How do things evolve?


These types of questions are required to be answered in a well researched essay that pertains to the daily life of an individual as well as that individual's classes, technology, community, and the like. A question is presented each trimester; the first trimester's being "What is more beneficial, success or failure?". Afterward, a presentation must be given in groups of three a week later that displays what is understood and interpreted of the question in a new and creative way. These questions are meant to get us thinking; there is scarcely a moment where they have a factual answer. When you get down to it, it is basically a very educated persuasive essay with work from classes as proof as such.

To help clarify a few points of the question, our teacher helped dissect certain aspects of the question. What "things" are we going to discuss? What is the difference between change and evolution? While the first question was easily answered with things such as objects, living things, cultures, and technology, the second was a little harder to interpret. What was the difference, if any? To me, it seemed evident that evolution was a change that responded to the environment that allowed something to adapt and have a higher percentage of survival. This process is slow, often expanding many years before a noticeable change can be identified. Change on the other hand seems more immediate and is brought about more from the mentality than an outside force; or, more precisely, the mentality that we must change in response to an outside force based either on need or want (while evolution is the process of change in response to a need). Change can affect a person's life dramatically and even the smallest incident can bring about an evolution of thought. Someone could change their entire outlook on life, evolving to adapt to that change either mentally, physically, or both. So, once you get down to it, change is a mere stepping stone in the process of evolution.

In my case, I find praxis questions quite enjoyable. I enjoy the conversations with my mother about these things, something she is equally jubilant about to converse with someone about these things. It is only today that I found out about the question. I can't wait to return home and enter a mind teasing conversation with my mother.