I haven't had much time to think. Been working on missing assignments. Finals next week. God, so many papers. Why did I let it get so bad? Oh, because I was lazy and stupid and confused. Using the excuse that I didn't see the point in getting a good education if it's not gonna do me a damn bit of good in the world as it is now. Plus, I don't see myself important enough to find motivation to the contrary. I'm one out of a couple billion people. Honestly, chances of me making a great change to the world is slim, and unless you can make a great change to the world, your life is wasted. At least that's my mentality. Damn, didn't think I'd be this pessimistic. But I guess I am. I know where it started, but it's too late to change anything. I've tried. I found it easier not to. I've taken the path of immediate pleasures over rewarding ones after a hard day's work.
I think I'm doomed to end up wandering the streets, homeless and hungry. With nothing but my wild imagination to escape it all. I curse it sometimes, my imagination. If I wasn't so fucking creative, I'd get shit done. I wouldn't waste my time doing trivial, unimportant things. But they aren't trivial. They are important. And a part of me hates that truth. I don't have a shred of decency, do I? Am I rambling? Wouldn't be surprised. Last few... weeks, I guess, have been on the high end of the emotional rollar coaster. So many times I thought about ending it. 'Course, I'm too much of a coward to go through with my mental threats. I don't want to feel pain before it ends. Don't want it to be a mess. Don't like knowing what's waiting on the other side. I feel like there is so much I could still do, but then I remind myself how unimportant I am to the whole of society.
Everything comes full circle.
So, I guess I'll just do what I'm supposed to do and just finish and repair my mistakes. And just live life knowing I'm part of a great machine and I will be nothing more than that.
I. HATE. FEELING. LIKE. THIS.
You could always be something great. It's part of the creators curse. It's never too late to change things either, it's just subconsciously you're afraid of facing change. You don't like the rut you're in, but it's a cozy and familiar rut. Little steps add up in the end. Starting something new is the hardest part.
ReplyDeleteIf you ever think about it again, remember we have a date for Star Trek 2. Always keep in mind there's something to look forward to, to keep yourself above water.
Hehe. Thank you, Amanda. You're always so kind. <3
DeleteYea, it's exactly how you put it. Though I guess, for me finishing new things is what's hard for me. So I always end up going back to what's familiar. Maybe... I know... if I try hard enough, the foreign will feel like home and it won't be so difficult... just that initial push and the devotion will be the challenging part. X3