My Money's On The Ogre

Despite the hardships faced during preparation, the party was actually quite a success. My brother did an impromptu arrangement of games and prizes, giving everyone chips to play with as like tokens. We had darts, horseshoes, blackjack, liar's dice... I lost two chips playing darts with my brother-in-law (the wager was only one chip, but one of my nephews wanted to participate so I gave him one of mine). I had taken pictures of the scrapbook my mother made for my grandmother's birthday and uploaded the pics onto the Playstation to loop endlessly in a slideshow. I received many compliments for that, including the bottomless chocolate covered strawberries that were gone by the end of the night. So, all in all, I feel like I did okay after all.

I kept hovering over Damen like a mother hen whenever he went outside. The rabbits were still roaming about, but there were people eating outside so he was too preoccupied trying to find scraps. He didn't run off or snap at the children who pursued attention from him. It was practically flawless, the way the day was going. I only got annoyed at my mother's aunt when she literally cornered me, got within centimeters of my face, and graveled something along the lines of wanting her wedding picture that she sent to be put in the scrapbook back. She said she would let my mother know next time she saw her as well. At that point, my mother was conveniently on her way to the back so she was passing by the both of us. And my great-aunt saw her going and didn't stop to talk to her. Which makes me assume she thought it was my fault the picture, and not a photocopy, made it into the scrapbook. The woman bugged me at least an additional two times about the fucking picture throughout the course of the day. Jesus, I would've snapped at her if I wasn't trying to be putting on a front for the party.

I know I give my family members a lot of shit (it's only when they deserve it, honest) but I love them a hell of a lot more. I've been mostly highlighting the negative aspects of them so far, which is unfair I know. It's not like being an asshole is unheard of for my family, everyone is at one point or another, but sometimes that's all I can stress upon. I've noticed recently how often we sleight children, knowing they can distract themselves with their own activities or that of a sibling. I never had a sibling my age to interact with, all of them being 14+ years or older than me, so I was always left to my own devices. I never spoke up at family gatherings because I knew after about a minute of attention, I'd be brushed aside. So I became an observer, I searched for things to do, but refused to talk to anyone. I remember my brother always asking, "Why don't you ever talk?" right before he'd turn his attention elsewhere. It's probably selfish to have wanted personal attention, but that's all you want when you're six or seven. You want to feel special.

Literally one of the pastimes I did during the party was sit at a table away from a group of people and observe them, or get lost in my own thoughts. While I'm perfectly comfortable doing it, it somewhat disturbs me how used to being alone I am. Maybe I would've ended up in this position no matter what but when you're young the people in your life sort of determine how you'll be based on interaction. This also leads me to believe why, when I'm not sitting by myself doing nothing, I'm more adept to being in the presence of adults than children because I only ever grew up beside adult figures.

Early afternoon musings make me hungry. I think I'll drop this post off here. So, in summary: party was awesome, amateur diagnosis of why I'm an introvert explored, and family is an awesome pain in the ass, but when isn't it? That's part of what makes them awesome, I suppose.

Back on the Freight Train

Getting ready for this party has been a nightmare. This is putting aside the fact Damen ran out of the house chasing after a rabbit. I got hysterical overreacting as usual which "concerned" my brother that I was in literal tears because I nearly lost my dog. This was after I'd already gotten him back safe in the house. Our landlords were outside while I went chasing after him, and after I got Damen cowering his way back to the house, they joked to my mother how vulgar I had been chasing him.

Which makes me want to crawl into the deepest, darkest cave and shrivel away. I don't know, having other people know how bad I can get just makes me assume they'll judge me based on that.

Tried making chocolate dipped strawberries but had to fuck that up too. The chocolate shells on the bottom stuck to the plates and ripped off.

So, all in all, I feel ashamed of my emotions and I want to cut out my tongue. All my siblings are here at the house to help prepare for the party, which oddly gives me the feeling of being a stranger in my own home. Another thing to add to that list.

Tired as hell, don't know what I'm typing anymore. Really don't want to do this.

Sail Across the Bowels of Reality

Short update, I think. The house will be ripe and ready for my grandmother's 80th birthday party this Sunday. It was a party suggested by my aunt for my mom to throw. Which apparently has been the norm since they were young. My aunt is either obtuse or severely cruel. She has offered to bring two birthday cakes to the party; one for grandma and another for my uncle (who's birthday isn't until June). My aunt's reasoning? "I won't be here in June to celebrate it."

What.

The party was your idea and you haven't contributed anything for it. Now you're going to be drawing away from your own mother's big 80 by sharing the limelight with your husband. Who I'm sure doesn't want to celebrate the fact he's turning 60 and anyway, throw a party for him after you come back from whatever the fuck you think is more important than your fucking family.

Obviously I can't tolerate any family outside of the immediate members, i.e. my siblings. My cousins are alright, and being with my nephews is getting easier. Mostly I'm content with just being alone.

Anywho, there's not much else to do to prepare for the party. The house has stayed relatively clean, so it's only the food that needs preparing. It won't be a lot since this is party is basically a pot luck so people can bring their own dishes.

My mom and sisters will be going to Glen Ivy on Monday, leaving me with both my brother-in-laws and their kiddos. I was offered to go to the spa with them but I declined. I don't find spas relaxing and being in a bathing suit makes me feel like I'm being judged by everyone around me. That leaves my only other option to spend my day is with five boys in one household.

Joyous.

Perhaps I, Too, Will Sing About the Blues

Well, my brain is just a big clusterfuck of what. Reading in my spare time makes me want to write and expand on my own stories. Which I then quell when I write about a sentence or two and frustration ensues. Never mind that in-between reading and finding the motivation to write creates useless titles for stories/chapters that I'm sure I'll never use. Seriously, what the hell am I going to do with a title like Dead Men Talk of Poetry? I'm not even fond of poetry wtf

On the bright side, at least comments for my blogs are getting done. At a rather slow pace because of my constant oscillation between motivated and lethargic, but it's better than nothing.

In Theory, This is Supposed to Work

My mom's taking on a new diet. For the umpteenth time, although she seems more determined this time. After having spent several hundred dollars over the course of the years on exercise equipment and diet plans, she's finally taking the initiative herself. I'm happy for her, really, but I can't help but wonder how long this epiphany will last. It's always been a never ending cycle of wanting to lose weight, sticking to a plan, and then ditching the plan for a cheaper, self-motivated one. Although, she has told me she lifts weights and does crunches in the mornings before work so hopefully that's a good sign that she'll stick to her guns this time. New Year's Resolution in effect five and a half months after the fact. Oh well, better late then never.

I'll admit, I myself have tried slimming down on some things. Drinking one soda can instead of two, eating a salad for lunch/snack instead of candy, eating more appropriate portions for a meal. It's not much, but perhaps better than before. I know if I add in exercise I will see and feel the difference. Need to find motivation, though.

So, in other news, I graduate in three weeks time. Although it's funny because I walk a few days before my actual finals. I'm not exactly sure how that makes sense. The date was picked based on the region I'm in, so I'm going to assume other regions in SoCal have the more appropriate walk after finals. I haven't decided what I'm going to do afterward, like have a party, just hang out with friends, or a nice dinner with my mother. I'm supposed to pick out graduation announcement cards today. We're ordering them online but there are about a hundred different choices. Which is way too many choices; I get impatient fairly easy. It's just one of those things, though, that I have to grit my teeth and sit down and do.

On a stranger, and slightly irritating, note, I've been waking up around 5 and 5:30 for the past week and then toss and turn until my alarm goes off at 8. I can't go back into a nice, deep sleep in those three hours and the rest of the morning at the office just goes by in a daze. Last night broke that habit when I woke up at a quarter to 4. Well, I shouldn't say "woke up"; I was in a semi-conscious state the entire time because I could tell when I rolled over in my bed. I must have been moving for that entire duration because when I "woke up," my bed was annoyingly uncomfortable. Of course, I could've slept in a bit since my mom had a meeting at 6:30 later today. She doesn't normally take me to the office on days she has HOA meetings, but she always makes sure I still wake up at 8 to start the day early. Might have to take a good 30 minute nap later today, the caffeine from the coffee is starting to wear off.

My brother asked me a couple days ago to register for Comic-con this year so he could get tickets. Just, out of the blue. HOLY SHIT WHAT I'M EXCITED If he's going with me, he's dressing up. Just sayin'~

If You Can't Tell, I'm Extremely Bored

Freaking Brigitte, getting me hooked on Supernatural. My life is being overrun by shows. Mainly SPN; I haven't paid nearly as much attention to Doctor Who. Which I still need to catch up on. That, and Game of Thrones; only ever got up to the end of the first season. Need to look for some other shows, too. Tried getting into Battlestar Galactiga, maybe I'll try another episode since I've only ever seen the first one. I wanna see what Merlin's all about but I know that's a feels roller-coaster from what I've seen on Tumblr. Might watch it anyway. What else is there?

Site

I've been developing on a personal site recently that'll keep track of all the stories and characters I make. It's fairly old and I've updated it a lot, but I still have a crap ton and a half to do before it'll be up-to-date. It's on private right now; I'll send a permission via email if anyone wants to view it.

Politics Are Good For The Soul

An old soul, maybe. Lately my mother has been engrossing herself more so into politics and what's been going in our government. I would be fine with it if only she didn't give me the doomsday talk every time we're on our way to the office. I don't want to make it seem like my grim outlook on life might have something to do with these talks, but I will say they aren't helping. I haven't told her as such; I'm not really good at voicing my concerns or problems. I've always been the listener in the family and then I'd give out advice to help them get through the day. Maybe this has nothing to do with it, but this whole mess always makes me think why an older person with no regards for the world anymore shouldn't have young children who are still aspiring to be something. Parents are supposed to be the role models so how can I achieve something great when you keep telling me the world is cruel and hopeless?

I know most of what she says is the truth, but its still discouraging. Earlier this morning (again, on our way to work), she was going on about the options for women nowadays. That, even after the years it took us to get "equal rights," we still get paid less at jobs just because of our gender.

So that, in addition to having an especially shitty menstrual cycle this past week, has really made me ashamed of my gender. I'm overreacting, I'm sure they'll tell me, but I see absolutely no reason why being a woman is better. Society will blame the victim, a woman, instead of the offender in a rape incident. Not saying rape is always about the woman being the victim, as men do have their fair share, but the cases in which woman are the victims are the ones the whole of society frown upon.

Whatever. That's not the point, but it is a point. I think, maybe, all in all, this whole "self-hatred on being a certain gender" is helping me explore a more comfortable identity. I don't like being a woman, but at the same time I love expressing more humble mannerisms often associated with women. Ugh. I hate talking about this. I've never really tried going in-depth with this whole gender identity thing because I just have this horrible fear I'll be chastised for doing it for attention. Or that I'm just going through a phase. Everything is a phase when your mom has a degree in child development and psychology. So maybe this is a temporary feeling but that shouldn't make it any less important and be heedlessly categorized under the Going Through A Phase umbrella. I've had dreams (I can't believe I'm going to admit this fuck) where I was a man and it felt normal. I mean, even for a dream where everything that happens seems normal, this felt incredibly... right, I guess? I don't know, my going-through-a-phase feelings just tell me that it's like fitting a missing puzzle piece or something. I feel whole.

Fuck. Just fuck. I'm literally to the point of tears admitting this. I want to deny these feelings because of that awful phrase and being accused of just following what's "trending" in the world nowadays. I'm scared of what my family would say 'cause I've always been the "baby sister."

God, I hate this. I'm just playing around with a few ideas and this is where it gets me. I'm not even sure what I want or what I'm really saying anymore. This was so much easier not questioning anything and now I'm a blabbering mess. ARgh. Screw it.