Politics Are Good For The Soul

An old soul, maybe. Lately my mother has been engrossing herself more so into politics and what's been going in our government. I would be fine with it if only she didn't give me the doomsday talk every time we're on our way to the office. I don't want to make it seem like my grim outlook on life might have something to do with these talks, but I will say they aren't helping. I haven't told her as such; I'm not really good at voicing my concerns or problems. I've always been the listener in the family and then I'd give out advice to help them get through the day. Maybe this has nothing to do with it, but this whole mess always makes me think why an older person with no regards for the world anymore shouldn't have young children who are still aspiring to be something. Parents are supposed to be the role models so how can I achieve something great when you keep telling me the world is cruel and hopeless?

I know most of what she says is the truth, but its still discouraging. Earlier this morning (again, on our way to work), she was going on about the options for women nowadays. That, even after the years it took us to get "equal rights," we still get paid less at jobs just because of our gender.

So that, in addition to having an especially shitty menstrual cycle this past week, has really made me ashamed of my gender. I'm overreacting, I'm sure they'll tell me, but I see absolutely no reason why being a woman is better. Society will blame the victim, a woman, instead of the offender in a rape incident. Not saying rape is always about the woman being the victim, as men do have their fair share, but the cases in which woman are the victims are the ones the whole of society frown upon.

Whatever. That's not the point, but it is a point. I think, maybe, all in all, this whole "self-hatred on being a certain gender" is helping me explore a more comfortable identity. I don't like being a woman, but at the same time I love expressing more humble mannerisms often associated with women. Ugh. I hate talking about this. I've never really tried going in-depth with this whole gender identity thing because I just have this horrible fear I'll be chastised for doing it for attention. Or that I'm just going through a phase. Everything is a phase when your mom has a degree in child development and psychology. So maybe this is a temporary feeling but that shouldn't make it any less important and be heedlessly categorized under the Going Through A Phase umbrella. I've had dreams (I can't believe I'm going to admit this fuck) where I was a man and it felt normal. I mean, even for a dream where everything that happens seems normal, this felt incredibly... right, I guess? I don't know, my going-through-a-phase feelings just tell me that it's like fitting a missing puzzle piece or something. I feel whole.

Fuck. Just fuck. I'm literally to the point of tears admitting this. I want to deny these feelings because of that awful phrase and being accused of just following what's "trending" in the world nowadays. I'm scared of what my family would say 'cause I've always been the "baby sister."

God, I hate this. I'm just playing around with a few ideas and this is where it gets me. I'm not even sure what I want or what I'm really saying anymore. This was so much easier not questioning anything and now I'm a blabbering mess. ARgh. Screw it.