Ugh, okay, I know there is something quote un-quote "wrong" with me so I always try to self analyze everything about myself and draw conclusions from there. Which, I don't know, makes me feel like a hypochondriac so I keep thinking I should go to a doctor and get tested but then time and money get in the way so I'm left suffering in silence. I've had problems in the past about putting myself in the corner like a victim and then accuse the world of being cruel for putting me there when I was actually the culprit so... it just feels like I'm fishing for something to make myself out to be the victim again.

But apparently I may or may not be suffering from depression and ADD. My whole family swears that depression runs in the family (is that really a thing?? I mean I know genetics CAN play a role in making someone more susceptible to depressions but eeehhhh) and my mom says that my father had borderline ADHD but she's never said it was diagnosed? Maybe she did, can't remember.

That last bit is starting to become a problem; I feel like I should have a better memory for someone my age. I used to say I had a "photographic memory" when I was in elementary school but now it's turned to shit and I'm constantly facing that problem in the kind of business I'm working in. Like "When did we send that letter?" Fuck, I dunno. Not yesterday, that much I know for damn sure.

I'm also spacey all the time. I never thought I had a problem concentrating until I started realizing how many times I would tune out the world. Mom will go on for an hour or more on something currently happening and I'll zone out like seven times or more for a couple seconds. I used to think I was tired because of lack of exercise or something but I'm in a dance club now and I'm even MORE tired than before. I do not feel energized at all. I used to go through books like nobody's business. I still have a huge stack now that is begging to be read and I would love to read them but I end up forgetting what I read half-way through the paragraph.

I feel like I'm just imagining it and crying wolf so I've done nothing about it. It's not really debilitating to my every day life. Well, actually, I'm not sure. I might learn to love myself more if I could concentrate and remember stuff better than I do now. Cuz answering every question with "I don't know" is really not making me like myself at all.

I keep skipping words in this post but I don't feel like going back and fixing them. I gotta get food so I suppose I'll leave this here.

Always reassuring whenever a queer person is actually represented on television or a movie and my mom rolls her eyes. Except this time I actually feel like I'm ready to lash out because I've been questioning who and what I am for the past year and so far have not made any headway. Which I guess is fine, I should take my time with these things but I think I'd feel better if I knew for sure.

I'm not uncomfortable as a girl, but I remember having dreams about a year or so ago where I was a man and it felt so lucid. More lucid and clear than any dream I've ever had before. I find men and women attractive... but I don't feel any attraction to anyone I know or have met. And honestly that last bit could be because of the cliché "you haven't met the right one yet" but I figured after 20 years of being on this planet I would've had at least one relationship, if not one crush. Not those fake high school relationships where everyone does it for status rather than actual feelings (or at least the ones I had been in felt like). 

So I've just been mentally referring myself as a gelatinous blob floating on a rock in space. Simple with short lived satisfaction. I'll probably have another one of these existential crises in about a month or so. I always said when I was younger that I could never love a man because I was married to my art... that's probably my problem, I haven't drawn anything in months. Har har. 

Hyrule Warriors has taken over my life. No regrets.

Deal I had with my brother to get my license before his birthday is not gonna pan out so well. My mom found my social security card but the next available appointment for the Redlands and San Bernardino DMVs aren't until late March. So I gotta cough up $100. Which I don't have. I obviously don't have problems managing my money at all. Won't be able to pay for my dog's groomer next week, either. Ugh.

Dance club is kicking my ass aahhhh but it's awesome.

I had more to write. This is what happens when I take a five month break. Oh well.

Edit: Oh yea, I was tempted to run away back in January because I suck at dealing with my problems. I don't know how I came to be a perfectionist but it fucking blows; every little thing I do wrong I feel like I deserve to die. 2015 is so far an "awesome" year.