Trying to figure out who I am is the toughest quest I'll ever be on and, to my displeasure as a quick adventurer, I have to realize I can't do it all in one evening.

Today was an emotional rollercoaster. My only saving grace was that I didn't cry, although I was very nearly close on multiple occasions. Maybe it's better if I do but now I just simply don't have the energy.

A guy I was starting to like is now in a relationship with a good friend of mine. And I'm happy for them because they are both beautiful people whom I get along with almost seamlessly. I do, however, believe I missed out on a big opportunity and my hesitation probably drove him away. I wasn't used to being called "perfect" and "amazing", which were the exact words he'd frequently call me whenever we hung out together. I'd be lying if I said I didn't love hearing it and getting that kind of attention. Yet I couldn't bring myself to reciprocate. I was afraid to invest in case he didn't feel the same way. Did I do the sensible thing and ask to make my life simpler, easier? No. I just stewed in these confusing emotions and I was too enraptured with my internal conflict to notice he moved forward with someone else.

I am very self obsessive and self critical about everything I do and say. I have difficulty investing my emotions into another human being outside of face-to-face interactions. I don't text people back for months. I'm not the first one to propose a date night with someone. I don't like to feel like I'm trying to impose myself onto other people. But I think I'm coming to better understand that my actions (or lack thereof) put off a vibe that I don't want to be with other people, specifically the person I happen to communicate with once in a while. That couldn't be farther from the truth but they don't know that. And it's not like I'm giving them any insight to my thoughts and reasons. So it ends in a stalemate and now we're both alone and confused.

I had made plans to meet with my family at the OC fair earlier this evening and I had to take a rain check at the last minute. The whole scenario would've resulted in my dog being home alone for 6 hours and me driving back to the house in the dark on the freeway for a solid hour. I initially told them I'd go regardless of the circumstances. My vision was narrow; I hadn't taken into account my mother's feelings which were undoubtedly all over the place after her mother fell last night alone in her own home. She was unhurt, if a little shaken, and my mother decided to spend some time with her today to help around the house. I was left home alone. I decided to make the trip to the fair on my own, thinking it was a very brave and independent decision. I have little experience on driving on freeways, let alone driving on freeways at night. My mom and I both knew that. So when I told her about my plans, she rightfully expressed concern. She didn't need the stress of worrying about me right after her mother had a frightful fall. I understood that so I agreed to not go. I was perfectly fine with it. What I wasn't fine with was being guilt-ridden for my decision to stay behind, to not socialize with family. My cousin's wife was not pleased. I'm sure my sister wasn't pleased either. I know that they all believe I'm just a pathetic introvert and does whatever her mother tells her and I should've probably already moved out by now and I'll never understand the struggles of "real life" if I don't try to make it on my own and have that daily battle between putting gas in the car or eating at all that day.

This has been my past 24 hours.

I could continue on and reflect on a self-realization about my gender identity I made over a month ago but the weeks have passed and I've lost the will to care about that anymore. It's not going to impact my life any better than it already is. And right now I'm just focusing on trying to further the quality of my life by not being such a toxic perfectionist. I'll save the existential questions and discoveries for a later date.