I feel like I'm overreacting or fishing for validation or something, I dunno. Am I depressed? I'll never admit it, even to myself, because then I feel like I'm playing the victim card and shifting the blame and all my problems onto a mental illness. Is there something "wrong" with me? Probably but since I don't have it (if it have it at all) as bad as the next person then that means I'm over-exaggerating or creating something out of nothing.

Nobody's ever told me any of this. Just myself. I don't trust myself to point the finger and know the answer. I know myself better than anyone else but what credence does that hold when I constantly doubt myself and I'm convince that I'm just playing at being depressed? It's a weird conundrum because all this self-doubt and self-gas-lighting or whatever is probably a symptom of depression. A depression that I refuse to believe I have, not because I think I am normal but because I think it's not bad enough to be that serious.

And even if I get validation from someone, which is ultimately what is fueling this internal debate of mine about whether I am or am not depressed, it doesn't seem good enough. I'd still say, "eehh, I'm not buying it." And probably this whole thing would be put to rest if I had a professional diagnose me but I'm driven with the aforementioned doubt of severity to not bother with it at all. Plus, I just don't have the time or money to see someone who'll just tell me the obvious. See, I just said it's obvious but I'm still gonna fight tooth and nail and say I'm not because it's not debilitating. I know it doesn't have to be but it just seems like a cop out to me. I've had issues in the past about playing the victim card so this feels like a repeat of my own dumbass actions.

Today is just a really down kind of day. I can't find anything mentally stimulating to keep me awake and I wanna nap so bad even though I had good sleep last night. I've also had instances where I almost broke down and cried for no reason so that's nice. Usually, by avoiding the label myself the victim by playing a different victim card, I chalk it up to me being a hormonal woman with no credible reasoning for my emotional or mental breakdowns.

I'm drowning so deep in denial that I think even the Egyptians are rolling their eyes at me.

A lot has changed in the past 6 months and a lot hasn't. I finally participated in the dance show at my community college, reconnected with an old elementary school friend who was looking for more out of our relationship than I was prepared to offer, and I had to move out of the place I'd called home for three years during that time. I didn't just move out, though, I moved away to another state. Not entirely against my will but literally the rest of my immediate family was relocating and I would've been alone. No family to be close to, knowing the people who I had known all my life were gone. So I went along. It was a big decision and so far I haven't regretted it... but that doesn't mean I'm entirely happy, either.

Those were the things that changed within the past couple months. I've still remained the same. There are struggles in my life that perhaps will never go away. I don't have daily battles but the battles I do have are exhausting and lonely.

I had always joked that I was going to die alone, with no one to love or share my life with. Now it's more like a mantra. I know I'm young and that I still have plenty of time and opportunities. But I have already had opportunities that I've unintentionally screwed up. I'm just so apathetic. The thought of an emotional investment in a relationship drains me so I feel nothing at all. I don't mean to do it. I would like to have that kind of feeling where just looking at my significant other automatically makes me smile or grin. I may not have found the right person. But I think my attachment issues (or lack thereof, more accurately) just makes me feel like I'M not the right person for a relationship.

My brother told me recently that he feared I was going to be this serial killer or whatever because of my apathy towards other people. He only abandoned that notion when he saw how affectionate I am with my dog; when he found I was capable of some form of love.

I'm not without emotion towards people. I love my friends, I love being with my friends. But there's this dissonance I feel that I can't describe. I can never think of what to say next in a conversation. I find it difficult to care about someone's struggles. It's hard to remember what my friends like or what they have done recently. I love my friends but I hate dealing with people. I feel like I care too much or not at all whatsoever. It's mostly been the latter lately.

So yea. I haven't changed at all.