I feel like I'm overreacting or fishing for validation or something, I dunno. Am I depressed? I'll never admit it, even to myself, because then I feel like I'm playing the victim card and shifting the blame and all my problems onto a mental illness. Is there something "wrong" with me? Probably but since I don't have it (if it have it at all) as bad as the next person then that means I'm over-exaggerating or creating something out of nothing.

Nobody's ever told me any of this. Just myself. I don't trust myself to point the finger and know the answer. I know myself better than anyone else but what credence does that hold when I constantly doubt myself and I'm convince that I'm just playing at being depressed? It's a weird conundrum because all this self-doubt and self-gas-lighting or whatever is probably a symptom of depression. A depression that I refuse to believe I have, not because I think I am normal but because I think it's not bad enough to be that serious.

And even if I get validation from someone, which is ultimately what is fueling this internal debate of mine about whether I am or am not depressed, it doesn't seem good enough. I'd still say, "eehh, I'm not buying it." And probably this whole thing would be put to rest if I had a professional diagnose me but I'm driven with the aforementioned doubt of severity to not bother with it at all. Plus, I just don't have the time or money to see someone who'll just tell me the obvious. See, I just said it's obvious but I'm still gonna fight tooth and nail and say I'm not because it's not debilitating. I know it doesn't have to be but it just seems like a cop out to me. I've had issues in the past about playing the victim card so this feels like a repeat of my own dumbass actions.

Today is just a really down kind of day. I can't find anything mentally stimulating to keep me awake and I wanna nap so bad even though I had good sleep last night. I've also had instances where I almost broke down and cried for no reason so that's nice. Usually, by avoiding the label myself the victim by playing a different victim card, I chalk it up to me being a hormonal woman with no credible reasoning for my emotional or mental breakdowns.

I'm drowning so deep in denial that I think even the Egyptians are rolling their eyes at me.