And Valid Are The Opinions of Those Who Deem Them Worthy

Dammit, brain, we've talked about this making-up-titles stuff.

Today's last day of finals. The only one I'm really worried about is physics. I'm still having trouble getting the rest of the assignments in, which I can do until midnight tomorrow. I'm not too anxious over it though this could be because I'm heading into the final assuming I'll do terrible but at least a clear head might prove that statement false.

Writing my prequel isn't as easy as PD had been. I have plot points that I don't know how to connect. Maybe I should listen to Time's End again. Background music always helps.

...

Should probably rethink my decision about posting this video.

Bleeding Out

This week is the home stretch. Tomorrow is the graduation ceremony. Friday I start my finals; english/history on that day (which I might flip out over if Economics is considered history and not an elective, 'cause then I have to take three finals on that day ಠ_ಠ). At least the last day of finals is math, which I didn't have to take this year, so that makes me happy. Still kinda biffed that I had to take a P.E. course again since I assumed I had gotten all the credits to meet the requirements this is all Grove's fault, I'm sure.

Bunny's "It Gets Better" video literally had me in tears. I didn't realize how much it would affect me, but the more Bunny was talking the more it seemed to strike a chord. It says a lot, I've never really cried over things such as that. It might be because I'm just now starting to search for an identity. Either way, Bunny's story was absolutely freeing.

I've decided to make a prequel to Pushing Daisies, the story for it has been buzzing in my head for a while. The skeleton of the storyline is all there, I just need to flesh it out. Usually things that stop me from carrying out a writing project is the beginning, which I always have trouble with. I was able to get a few satisfactory beginning paragraphs so this should hopefully go by easily. I have a feeling this prequel, however, will be as long if not longer than PD.

Bleeding Out by Imagine Dragons keeps replaying in my head. This band is a curse, I swear. XD

My Money's On The Ogre

Despite the hardships faced during preparation, the party was actually quite a success. My brother did an impromptu arrangement of games and prizes, giving everyone chips to play with as like tokens. We had darts, horseshoes, blackjack, liar's dice... I lost two chips playing darts with my brother-in-law (the wager was only one chip, but one of my nephews wanted to participate so I gave him one of mine). I had taken pictures of the scrapbook my mother made for my grandmother's birthday and uploaded the pics onto the Playstation to loop endlessly in a slideshow. I received many compliments for that, including the bottomless chocolate covered strawberries that were gone by the end of the night. So, all in all, I feel like I did okay after all.

I kept hovering over Damen like a mother hen whenever he went outside. The rabbits were still roaming about, but there were people eating outside so he was too preoccupied trying to find scraps. He didn't run off or snap at the children who pursued attention from him. It was practically flawless, the way the day was going. I only got annoyed at my mother's aunt when she literally cornered me, got within centimeters of my face, and graveled something along the lines of wanting her wedding picture that she sent to be put in the scrapbook back. She said she would let my mother know next time she saw her as well. At that point, my mother was conveniently on her way to the back so she was passing by the both of us. And my great-aunt saw her going and didn't stop to talk to her. Which makes me assume she thought it was my fault the picture, and not a photocopy, made it into the scrapbook. The woman bugged me at least an additional two times about the fucking picture throughout the course of the day. Jesus, I would've snapped at her if I wasn't trying to be putting on a front for the party.

I know I give my family members a lot of shit (it's only when they deserve it, honest) but I love them a hell of a lot more. I've been mostly highlighting the negative aspects of them so far, which is unfair I know. It's not like being an asshole is unheard of for my family, everyone is at one point or another, but sometimes that's all I can stress upon. I've noticed recently how often we sleight children, knowing they can distract themselves with their own activities or that of a sibling. I never had a sibling my age to interact with, all of them being 14+ years or older than me, so I was always left to my own devices. I never spoke up at family gatherings because I knew after about a minute of attention, I'd be brushed aside. So I became an observer, I searched for things to do, but refused to talk to anyone. I remember my brother always asking, "Why don't you ever talk?" right before he'd turn his attention elsewhere. It's probably selfish to have wanted personal attention, but that's all you want when you're six or seven. You want to feel special.

Literally one of the pastimes I did during the party was sit at a table away from a group of people and observe them, or get lost in my own thoughts. While I'm perfectly comfortable doing it, it somewhat disturbs me how used to being alone I am. Maybe I would've ended up in this position no matter what but when you're young the people in your life sort of determine how you'll be based on interaction. This also leads me to believe why, when I'm not sitting by myself doing nothing, I'm more adept to being in the presence of adults than children because I only ever grew up beside adult figures.

Early afternoon musings make me hungry. I think I'll drop this post off here. So, in summary: party was awesome, amateur diagnosis of why I'm an introvert explored, and family is an awesome pain in the ass, but when isn't it? That's part of what makes them awesome, I suppose.

Back on the Freight Train

Getting ready for this party has been a nightmare. This is putting aside the fact Damen ran out of the house chasing after a rabbit. I got hysterical overreacting as usual which "concerned" my brother that I was in literal tears because I nearly lost my dog. This was after I'd already gotten him back safe in the house. Our landlords were outside while I went chasing after him, and after I got Damen cowering his way back to the house, they joked to my mother how vulgar I had been chasing him.

Which makes me want to crawl into the deepest, darkest cave and shrivel away. I don't know, having other people know how bad I can get just makes me assume they'll judge me based on that.

Tried making chocolate dipped strawberries but had to fuck that up too. The chocolate shells on the bottom stuck to the plates and ripped off.

So, all in all, I feel ashamed of my emotions and I want to cut out my tongue. All my siblings are here at the house to help prepare for the party, which oddly gives me the feeling of being a stranger in my own home. Another thing to add to that list.

Tired as hell, don't know what I'm typing anymore. Really don't want to do this.

Sail Across the Bowels of Reality

Short update, I think. The house will be ripe and ready for my grandmother's 80th birthday party this Sunday. It was a party suggested by my aunt for my mom to throw. Which apparently has been the norm since they were young. My aunt is either obtuse or severely cruel. She has offered to bring two birthday cakes to the party; one for grandma and another for my uncle (who's birthday isn't until June). My aunt's reasoning? "I won't be here in June to celebrate it."

What.

The party was your idea and you haven't contributed anything for it. Now you're going to be drawing away from your own mother's big 80 by sharing the limelight with your husband. Who I'm sure doesn't want to celebrate the fact he's turning 60 and anyway, throw a party for him after you come back from whatever the fuck you think is more important than your fucking family.

Obviously I can't tolerate any family outside of the immediate members, i.e. my siblings. My cousins are alright, and being with my nephews is getting easier. Mostly I'm content with just being alone.

Anywho, there's not much else to do to prepare for the party. The house has stayed relatively clean, so it's only the food that needs preparing. It won't be a lot since this is party is basically a pot luck so people can bring their own dishes.

My mom and sisters will be going to Glen Ivy on Monday, leaving me with both my brother-in-laws and their kiddos. I was offered to go to the spa with them but I declined. I don't find spas relaxing and being in a bathing suit makes me feel like I'm being judged by everyone around me. That leaves my only other option to spend my day is with five boys in one household.

Joyous.

Perhaps I, Too, Will Sing About the Blues

Well, my brain is just a big clusterfuck of what. Reading in my spare time makes me want to write and expand on my own stories. Which I then quell when I write about a sentence or two and frustration ensues. Never mind that in-between reading and finding the motivation to write creates useless titles for stories/chapters that I'm sure I'll never use. Seriously, what the hell am I going to do with a title like Dead Men Talk of Poetry? I'm not even fond of poetry wtf

On the bright side, at least comments for my blogs are getting done. At a rather slow pace because of my constant oscillation between motivated and lethargic, but it's better than nothing.

In Theory, This is Supposed to Work

My mom's taking on a new diet. For the umpteenth time, although she seems more determined this time. After having spent several hundred dollars over the course of the years on exercise equipment and diet plans, she's finally taking the initiative herself. I'm happy for her, really, but I can't help but wonder how long this epiphany will last. It's always been a never ending cycle of wanting to lose weight, sticking to a plan, and then ditching the plan for a cheaper, self-motivated one. Although, she has told me she lifts weights and does crunches in the mornings before work so hopefully that's a good sign that she'll stick to her guns this time. New Year's Resolution in effect five and a half months after the fact. Oh well, better late then never.

I'll admit, I myself have tried slimming down on some things. Drinking one soda can instead of two, eating a salad for lunch/snack instead of candy, eating more appropriate portions for a meal. It's not much, but perhaps better than before. I know if I add in exercise I will see and feel the difference. Need to find motivation, though.

So, in other news, I graduate in three weeks time. Although it's funny because I walk a few days before my actual finals. I'm not exactly sure how that makes sense. The date was picked based on the region I'm in, so I'm going to assume other regions in SoCal have the more appropriate walk after finals. I haven't decided what I'm going to do afterward, like have a party, just hang out with friends, or a nice dinner with my mother. I'm supposed to pick out graduation announcement cards today. We're ordering them online but there are about a hundred different choices. Which is way too many choices; I get impatient fairly easy. It's just one of those things, though, that I have to grit my teeth and sit down and do.

On a stranger, and slightly irritating, note, I've been waking up around 5 and 5:30 for the past week and then toss and turn until my alarm goes off at 8. I can't go back into a nice, deep sleep in those three hours and the rest of the morning at the office just goes by in a daze. Last night broke that habit when I woke up at a quarter to 4. Well, I shouldn't say "woke up"; I was in a semi-conscious state the entire time because I could tell when I rolled over in my bed. I must have been moving for that entire duration because when I "woke up," my bed was annoyingly uncomfortable. Of course, I could've slept in a bit since my mom had a meeting at 6:30 later today. She doesn't normally take me to the office on days she has HOA meetings, but she always makes sure I still wake up at 8 to start the day early. Might have to take a good 30 minute nap later today, the caffeine from the coffee is starting to wear off.

My brother asked me a couple days ago to register for Comic-con this year so he could get tickets. Just, out of the blue. HOLY SHIT WHAT I'M EXCITED If he's going with me, he's dressing up. Just sayin'~

If You Can't Tell, I'm Extremely Bored

Freaking Brigitte, getting me hooked on Supernatural. My life is being overrun by shows. Mainly SPN; I haven't paid nearly as much attention to Doctor Who. Which I still need to catch up on. That, and Game of Thrones; only ever got up to the end of the first season. Need to look for some other shows, too. Tried getting into Battlestar Galactiga, maybe I'll try another episode since I've only ever seen the first one. I wanna see what Merlin's all about but I know that's a feels roller-coaster from what I've seen on Tumblr. Might watch it anyway. What else is there?

Site

I've been developing on a personal site recently that'll keep track of all the stories and characters I make. It's fairly old and I've updated it a lot, but I still have a crap ton and a half to do before it'll be up-to-date. It's on private right now; I'll send a permission via email if anyone wants to view it.

Politics Are Good For The Soul

An old soul, maybe. Lately my mother has been engrossing herself more so into politics and what's been going in our government. I would be fine with it if only she didn't give me the doomsday talk every time we're on our way to the office. I don't want to make it seem like my grim outlook on life might have something to do with these talks, but I will say they aren't helping. I haven't told her as such; I'm not really good at voicing my concerns or problems. I've always been the listener in the family and then I'd give out advice to help them get through the day. Maybe this has nothing to do with it, but this whole mess always makes me think why an older person with no regards for the world anymore shouldn't have young children who are still aspiring to be something. Parents are supposed to be the role models so how can I achieve something great when you keep telling me the world is cruel and hopeless?

I know most of what she says is the truth, but its still discouraging. Earlier this morning (again, on our way to work), she was going on about the options for women nowadays. That, even after the years it took us to get "equal rights," we still get paid less at jobs just because of our gender.

So that, in addition to having an especially shitty menstrual cycle this past week, has really made me ashamed of my gender. I'm overreacting, I'm sure they'll tell me, but I see absolutely no reason why being a woman is better. Society will blame the victim, a woman, instead of the offender in a rape incident. Not saying rape is always about the woman being the victim, as men do have their fair share, but the cases in which woman are the victims are the ones the whole of society frown upon.

Whatever. That's not the point, but it is a point. I think, maybe, all in all, this whole "self-hatred on being a certain gender" is helping me explore a more comfortable identity. I don't like being a woman, but at the same time I love expressing more humble mannerisms often associated with women. Ugh. I hate talking about this. I've never really tried going in-depth with this whole gender identity thing because I just have this horrible fear I'll be chastised for doing it for attention. Or that I'm just going through a phase. Everything is a phase when your mom has a degree in child development and psychology. So maybe this is a temporary feeling but that shouldn't make it any less important and be heedlessly categorized under the Going Through A Phase umbrella. I've had dreams (I can't believe I'm going to admit this fuck) where I was a man and it felt normal. I mean, even for a dream where everything that happens seems normal, this felt incredibly... right, I guess? I don't know, my going-through-a-phase feelings just tell me that it's like fitting a missing puzzle piece or something. I feel whole.

Fuck. Just fuck. I'm literally to the point of tears admitting this. I want to deny these feelings because of that awful phrase and being accused of just following what's "trending" in the world nowadays. I'm scared of what my family would say 'cause I've always been the "baby sister."

God, I hate this. I'm just playing around with a few ideas and this is where it gets me. I'm not even sure what I want or what I'm really saying anymore. This was so much easier not questioning anything and now I'm a blabbering mess. ARgh. Screw it.

Paper Likes to Laugh at Me

Blank white paper
Staring expectantly at me
Waiting for the first draw of the pen
But words escape
And the canvas blares angrily
Waiting, always waiting
Its gaze captivates
Compelling words to be written
Or songs to be sung
Or things to be drawn
Yet the spell of the open valley
Does not invoke inspiration

4/10/2013

Deeeeaaaan. Jesus dies.

Saw The Host today. I wasn't overly impressed with it, but it was an interesting concept. I felt a few of the scenes or lines were either idiotic or poorly acted, though it did have a few redeeming scenes or characteristics. Of course, every time I saw Jake Abel I couldn't stop screaming in my head "ADAM!". Spending time being infatuated with an alien seems to be his pastime while still in Lucifer's Cage. And they say I'm mad. Ha!

I was glad for the change of pace. These past few weeks have been monotonous and with each one that passes I get a little less motivated. It seemed to really hit me hard last night and my heart actually wrenched with every horrible thing I could think of to call myself. Not sure if it was out of denial or acceptance. I just knew that after the hour I was left alone to my thoughts I was abruptly exhausted. I didn't have the energy or the motivation to do anything.

This morning I was exceptionally irritable. It didn't start right off the bat when I woke up, but I could feel it building as the minutes passed. I started mentally berating myself for all the stupid things I'd done: screw up my grades, ruin my phone, forget to do something mundane like brush my teeth or leave a hairbrush in the car. The self loathing had me in tears by the time my mom had driven us to her office. The wind didn't help either.

This afternoon has been much more promising. I got to spend time with my friends and there was never a dull moment with them. It's always nice being able to talk about things, like movies or shows, that I wouldn't normally be able to discuss with anyone. Makes me feel a little less alone, I suppose.

Can't get Radioactive out of my head now. I'm okay with that.

Pushing Daisies

(x) - Humanity at its best, Fate at its worst. But Luka Lanterogue doesn't believe in destiny. Not if he can help it.

Note: Longest thing I've written since middle school. And perhaps the most bittersweet short story I've written ever. Main character is a different species than human, which is actually a more important aspect to the story than I originally thought. I wrote this on Google Docs and it was the equivalent of 25 pages. Don't read this unless you've got a good half an hour of free time.

The Resurrection of Immortality - Mature Rating

Sorry, not sorry.

“You haven’t told him yet? Isn’t that adorable.”

Luka froze, his eyes scanning the vicinity of the room lit only by the morning sun. The subtle illumination highlighted the floating dust particles like they were stars and the gray of the darkness not touched by the warmth was hard to discern the newcomer surely lurking beneath the shadows. The wood floor creaked beneath the Time Demon’s feet as he rose from his bedside, wrapping a sheet around as he did so. The piercing blue of his eyes searched across the veil of sunlight separating him from his visitor all the while the pounding of his heart drowned out the sound of silence. Alkirn had left the room not moments before and to have the mysterious mercenary in such close proximity sent Luka into a slight panic. He swallowed, determined not to show his anxiety.

“Ever heard of knocking first?”

A low chuckle filled the air, creating a disturbance in the motion of the dust and evidently sending chills down Luka’s spine. Gods, it was a nightmare. No matter how much compassion and devotion the demon held for his counterpart, there was something about the masked man who now stepped closer into the light that mesmerized Luka. He was the apple that God forbade Luka to taste and that air of divinity only seemed to entrance him more strongly with each meeting and interaction. The demon had tasted Xelixas, though a taste was all he could get upon their last meeting... Still, Luka could recall that sharp yet sweet tang of the entity’s lips molding around his own and how now every single molecule of the Time Demon called out for more. The thirst was intoxicating, yet mostly frightening. Luka couldn’t bear the thought of losing Alkirn and to have these urges seemed almost treacherous. Anger began to build up and the demon attempted to convince himself that he would have been better off not knowing X ever existed.

“Listen, you can’t just-”

“Tisk, tisk, Luka,” interjected Xelixas, wisps of darkness emanating from the mask until it completely dissipated by the time he reached the sea of white light. The black of his spiked hair shone ominously darker, crowning over the top of his luminous golden gaze that almost blended into the light. A mischievous smile lined those sly lips as his intense gaze perused Luka. “Keeping secrets is not exactly admirable, idiot. Looks like someone’s going to have to put you in your place.” 

Luka’s heart rate spiked, feeling utter horror battling viciously with great desire and the inner turmoil left him dumbstruck. The intensity of the war increased as Xelixas stepped forward casually to Luka and the latter found it difficult to keep his breath steady. Dammit, he shouldn’t do this. He shouldn’t lick his lips in anticipation, let alone allow X to continue his advances. Luka finally had something he truly treasured and would die for and to lose that to his ravaging demon nature to fuck everything in sight was crippling.

He opened his mouth to order X to leave but, to his eager dismay, found that the mercenary would not take things slowly. In one fluid motion X had already laid claim to Luka’s lips as a strong hand gripped the demon’s hip. Euphoria filled Luka at the mercenary’s taste; it was exactly as he’d remembered. The sense of fulfillment melted away Luka’s fears as he suddenly became overwhelmed with longing and it didn’t take much coaxing to get him to submit to Xelixas. Each stroke, each lick, was excitingly foreign and the way he commanded the demon was notably different from the way Luka’s vampire counterpart did. He couldn’t quite pinpoint the difference for they both seemed dark and powerful. It wasn’t until the mercenary filled him did Luka understand with growing clarity the striking contrast between his mate and his enigmatic lover: Xelixas was merciless. Every thrust was quick and unyielding, every bite and grip fierce and painful, but the immediate pleasure coursing through the Time Demon drowned out all implications of pain. In fact, by the sign of sweet hot liquid drenching the both of them, it seemed that the bites and scratches and bruises only increased their ecstasy. Luka wanted it to go on forever, feel Xelixas pierce him and claim him, and to scream his name with each release. In the back of Luka’s mind he knew this was just to add onto the guilt of keeping their affair a secret and that X only was fucking him now to stir the pot but damn. It was hard to care about any of that when he was being dominated by the best forbidden fruit God had kept from him yet.

* * *

Xelixas glanced back towards a sleeping Luka lying amidst disheveled and utterly soaked bed sheets. He had to admit he got a little carried away with Pretty Boy but nothing could beat the amusement of having such power over a Time Demon, the Devil’s supposed “secret weapon.” Each time Luka’s eyes glowed yellow made Xelixas giddy with control, especially when his little demonic friend latched and sucked from him like his life depended upon it. X was intrigued with the demon’s taste, finding it sweet yet wild, something he would not have expected from a creation of Lucifer’s. This was one X was certain he’d revisit often. Grinning in satisfaction, the mercenary walked back to the shadows as they clung to his body like waves of the ocean until completely clothing him in black and red fabric. As the darkness concealed his face once more, an amusing thought crossed Xelixas’ mind and brazenly he departed into the black void.

Mere seconds passed by before the mercenary found himself standing beneath the shelter of a tree, gazing across a luscious green field where he found his target. He kept his distance, feeling exposed in the daylight and thus opted to tail his prey until nightfall. He kept strict surveillance on the vampire, noting his only interaction that particular day was frequent calls to his mate as the vampire apparently went to run errands. Xelixas couldn’t help but smirk; they were such a happy couple. It was people such as those two whom X found great enjoyment in torturing, stretching loyalty and other human emotions that plagued this world until they broke at his touch. To be reaffirmed of the lie of life strangely gave X a high he gladly indulged in. Perhaps it was because he had proof of the world’s hopeless endeavors or maybe it was just simply he loved to see people squirm and scatter like that ants they were.

Twilight approached and the heart-pounding anticipation was difficult to suppress, but X’s nature as a mercenary kept him calm. They had returned to the park; the vampire walking along the outer edge on the sidewalk as the mercenary prepared himself not far off. As the closest distance between them was met, Xelixas leapt into action.

“And just who the fuck are you?” 

There was little time to comprehend the question for at the exact moment Xelixas found his momentum being redirected as a strong force pulled him away from his predetermined path and pinned him against a nearby streetlight. He betrayed only a short exasperated breath as the pole collided into his shoulder blade but his moment of bewilderment quickly vanished. Of course, X was dealing with a denizen of darkness, he should have known better than to underestimate the vampire’s sensitivity in the domain of night. Nevertheless, the mercenary was impressed with Alkirn being that he was one of the more powerful mercenaries in existence. Guess he’d have to reward the good sport, then.

“Show your face,” snarled the vampire, exposing his elongated fangs as his hazel eyes glinted viciously brighter. Oh, this one uses threats. Xelixas tilted his head, willing away the barrier of darkness as he flashed Alkirn a playfully wicked grin. The vampire’s eyes narrowed, the level of concentration he displayed just to keep eye contact made X laugh. The grip Al had upon him wavered at the sound of the cackle; people were so easily seduced.

“Sorry, princess.” He struck at the vampire’s trembling grasp and in one fluid motion had Alkirn face-planting into the pole while X rendered him immobile as he twisted the vampire’s arm. He struggled fruitlessly in the mercenary’s grasp, his gaze like daggers as he attempted to free himself from his assailant. Amused, Xelixas leaned over the vampire’s shoulder, his face inches from Alkirn’s, and coyly licked the bare skin of Al’s neck. The taste was so much darker and bitter than Luka’s, the contrast was astounding. “That’s not how you ask me for a first date.”

Al’s expression remained obstinate yet he could not conceal the dilating of his pupils as X ground against him. He teased the vampire, stroking the vampire delicately and tasting him with such great care that it was naught but a few minutes before he had Alkirn moaning for more. His stubborn nature greatly enticed the mercenary and he especially drew satisfaction whenever he caught glimpses of guilt in those hazel eyes. Soon, that guilt began to fade, though X knew with much complacency it would never completely disappear and thus made sure to lay on the lust and dominance very thickly. Eventually, Alkirn gripped the light pole tightly for support as Xelixas took him from behind and grasped his shaft to synchronize their orgasms. The maniacal mercenary wondered what was louder, Alkirn’s screams of ecstasy or his own devious shrieks of laughter as the night dragged on viciously for the both of them.

As Time Goes By

Been forever since I've posted something on here. Guess I've been busy, even though there's never a day when I'm not on my computer. So, in all honesty, I have no excuse.

Currently failing everything in school. I tell myself I'll get around to doing the stuff, but end up distracted. Which isn't hard. Plus, as things are going now whenever I discuss politics or the like with my mother, I lack motivation. I just see no point in it all. I know depression is supposed to run in the family? I hate using that excuse, though. It makes me feel like a slave to that fact. Which I am. These past two months have proved that much.

Also, haven't been on Facebook much anymore not because I don't have time but because it disinterests me these days. I hope I haven't come across as trying to isolate anyone out of my life. I always tortured myself with the thought I'd live alone without friends, but I'd hate for that to come true. I know I should probably be more proactive on my part. Reach out more to the friends I do have.

My dog, Damen, got sick not too long ago. Wouldn't eat or drink and if he did he threw up anything he ingested. My first time having a pet get sick on me, I freaked out pretty bad. Thought about taking him to the vet but it was a Sunday, which meant all the clinics were closed. So we had to nurse him at home. Took him about two days before he regained some normalcy. Really makes you appreciate your pet more after obstacles like that have been overcome.

My mom wants me to get into computer science, saying with my kind of mind it's just on big puzzle. It's an entertaining thought and no doubt I could catch onto it quick. At this point I'm open to anything. I have no true goals, at least ideally.

I could go for a Michael Reed hug right about now.