Ugh, okay, I know there is something quote un-quote "wrong" with me so I always try to self analyze everything about myself and draw conclusions from there. Which, I don't know, makes me feel like a hypochondriac so I keep thinking I should go to a doctor and get tested but then time and money get in the way so I'm left suffering in silence. I've had problems in the past about putting myself in the corner like a victim and then accuse the world of being cruel for putting me there when I was actually the culprit so... it just feels like I'm fishing for something to make myself out to be the victim again.
But apparently I may or may not be suffering from depression and ADD. My whole family swears that depression runs in the family (is that really a thing?? I mean I know genetics CAN play a role in making someone more susceptible to depressions but eeehhhh) and my mom says that my father had borderline ADHD but she's never said it was diagnosed? Maybe she did, can't remember.
That last bit is starting to become a problem; I feel like I should have a better memory for someone my age. I used to say I had a "photographic memory" when I was in elementary school but now it's turned to shit and I'm constantly facing that problem in the kind of business I'm working in. Like "When did we send that letter?" Fuck, I dunno. Not yesterday, that much I know for damn sure.
I'm also spacey all the time. I never thought I had a problem concentrating until I started realizing how many times I would tune out the world. Mom will go on for an hour or more on something currently happening and I'll zone out like seven times or more for a couple seconds. I used to think I was tired because of lack of exercise or something but I'm in a dance club now and I'm even MORE tired than before. I do not feel energized at all. I used to go through books like nobody's business. I still have a huge stack now that is begging to be read and I would love to read them but I end up forgetting what I read half-way through the paragraph.
I feel like I'm just imagining it and crying wolf so I've done nothing about it. It's not really debilitating to my every day life. Well, actually, I'm not sure. I might learn to love myself more if I could concentrate and remember stuff better than I do now. Cuz answering every question with "I don't know" is really not making me like myself at all.
I keep skipping words in this post but I don't feel like going back and fixing them. I gotta get food so I suppose I'll leave this here.
Depression can be genetic, as with most disorders. Though it is not uncommon for it to be co-morbid with disorders like ADHD or anxiety. I used to read a lot as a kid. I could hyperfocus on harry potter, though my reading comprehension was and still is kinda shit. Reading now is like that too, skipping lines and having to go back. ADHD in women is more introverted than men, less hyperactivity. Your brain can wander off or you can feel it trying to slip out when your focusing in class. I also fidget a lot.
ReplyDeleteIt's like a living dream. Nothing feels quite concrete in terms of cause and effect. Which is probably because some people with adhd have trouble seeing the long term effects of something and need instant gratification.
It doesn't hurt to get tested. I can't give any advice on how to do it since I was diagnosed around 7 but I'm an anomaly in that regard since most diagnoses don't happen in women until they are older.
Remember, your feelings are valid. Your situation is valid. You shouldn't have to suffer alone or in silence.
If you're looking for study aids, going on youtube and putting on white noise helps me filter out all the background noise and keeps my own little bubble quiet. Also the strict workflow chrome extension is pretty great. You can tell it which websites to blacklist so when you press the button you have 15 or 25 minutes where you can't access those sites. It helps force you to work without distractions.
Thank you, Amanda. I'm sorry I'm just now responding to this; I suck at keeping up contact with people. But I've been meaning to sincerely thank you for understanding. So far I still haven't done much to "treat" myself but I'm making an effort to not hate myself so much for it. Like you said, it's like living in a dream state where the people and the places don't look or feel real even when I attempt to focus and concentrate.
DeleteI want to get myself tested just to be sure but there's always that thought that, if they find it isn't ADD/ADHD, that I'm just making it up. It's a weird feeling, like I need to be sick enough in order to justify wasting everybody's time testing and diagnosing me for something most people are gonna write off anyway as being "hormonal" or "lazy" or something similar. I guess I'm afraid to be stigmatized and I'm not a bold enough person to say "Fuck off, my illness is real" because I'm a people pleaser to a fault so I say and do nothing about it cuz it's easier, conflict-wise.
I'm basically just repeating myself and talking in circles but I have no other way of getting this off my chest.