3 Years is Too Long to Go Without an Update

 Oops

A lots happened since that cabin trip to Flagstaff and not for the better. I don't even know where to start.

My grandma died last year on May 5th. The way things went down leading up to her death has put a permanent strain and divide in the family. My aunt put her on hospice but told her she was going to get surgery for her twisted bowel. She believed that up to the day she died. One could consider it more merciful to give someone hope in a lie on their deathbed rather than the painful truth. But I don't know. My aunt tried to censor my mom anytime she visited her in the hospital. My grandma didn't get to have any last conversations with family members like her aunt. She didn't get to make peace with God before passing, no last prayers or anything. She should've had closure, I think. But maybe that would've been cruel.

My mom and I were forcibly kicked out of the rental home we'd been in since moving out to AZ in 2017. The owner had died late in 2021 and probate didn't settle until beginning of 2022. The house went to his two nieces, his only heirs. They both lived back east as shopping clerks. The money they'd get from selling the house would "change their lives", as our property manager put it. Yea. It changed ours as well. Especially when we weren't given advanced notice to vacate. Less than a month when we were first notified of his death that we were told we had to get out. I did the best to find us a place in such a short amount of time. We're just now getting everything organized. But anxiety is eating away at us. This had been the second time we were forced to move because the owner wanted to sell. We have no plans to stay here and have it happen to us again.

A vacant lot literally across the street from my sister in Kentucky went up for sale. Mom and I both jumped at the chance to get it. We purchased it late last year and just now got a copy of the recorded deed. Our plan had been to move out to Kentucky and build on that plot of land. Then we were told to move. And all the funds we'd been saving to make our way out there is all but spent. Lord knows if we'll have it recouped by this time next year in order to make the trip but that's what Mom is hoping for. And with building supplies so expensive because of Covid, who knows if we'll ever get to build the house we want.

The moving company we hired to take our furniture and boxes were amazing. They made the experience fun. The one guy overlooking the operation asked if I had a boyfriend. He was cute and very sweet. I said no. We had a lot of common interests and really hit it off. He kept apologizing to both me and Mom about how he was so beside himself and infatuated with me. He was over 10 years older than me. It wasn't a big deal to me. But we hadn't been able to pack up everything before the day the movers were scheduled to come. So we asked him to come back and help with the last minute stuff. And he literally couldn't keep his hands off me. He leaned in for a kiss. I didn't stop him. He told me he didn't want to leave or see me go to Kentucky. I let him hug me and put his hands on my ass. He said he loved my stomach and bent down and kissed it. I was so tired. I was too emotionally distraught. I didn't establish boundaries. When he did finally leave (after threatening to plow through the nearest stop sign so that he'd end up wrecked and give him an excuse to come back to me to wait for paramedics) I felt so sick to my stomach. I lead him on and felt so stupid. I texted him later and apologized that I let him do those things when they weren't actually okay with me. I told him we should take it slow. We haven't conversed in over a month. I still feel so guilty. The first real friend I could've had out in AZ and all he wanted was to "kiss me all over". I want to tear my skin off.

Mom had a big milestone birthday back in April. My sister hosted a birthday party. She had just redone her backyard and resurfaced her pool and spa. She took out the handrails. Mom slipped trying to get out of the spa. She was drunk and angry. She told my brother to fuck off when he tried to help her out. Apparently she said it to my sister too and in front of her children. My sister doesn't want Mom in her life anymore. She only tells us this after a month of radio silence. Mom tried to apologize but this seems to have been the final straw with my sister. Mom keeps venting to me about how she's fine with not being friends with my sister or her family anymore. She's told me multiple times. Yea. She's clearly fine with it.

Damen had dental surgery at the end of April. They did 10 extractions. He's just now getting back to normal diet-wise but Mom is still upset that they took so many teeth. I'm feeling like shit about it. Had I just not been a lazy ass and brushed his teeth regularly he wouldn't have needed so many extractions. 

We let go of our biggest HOA in Loma Linda back in 2020. It was long overdue but the fallout was messy. At one point the Board members went to the bank and had our names removed from the account. I couldn't reconcile the accounts and I was the one handling all their finances. The Board was refusing to pay our final invoice. These were the people I at one point made my pumpkin bread for. 

We had our biggest and most expensive Halloween 20s-theme party. We hired casino quality tables for roulette, black jack, and craps. I provided the music and prizes. We hired a bar tender and a photographer. Mom tried to make snacks all throughout the night. She didn't get to play any of the tables. She didn't get to enjoy her own party. She said it was the worst experience ever. 

I have complicated feelings about my family but who doesn't, right? I love them all so very much and yet I feel like I can't tell them anything. If I told them the truth they either wouldn't understand or roll their eyes and wave it away.

I've struggled internally for what seems like forever. I've wanted to run away. I've wanted to die. I've had thoughts and feelings that I'm not completely straight or cisgender. But everything just feels so wishy-washy. The most I've done in a run away attempt was knock out a screen in the bathroom window back in Yucaipa. I didn't go through with it. The closest I've gotten to cutting was holding a steak knife in the kitchen in the middle of the night. I didn't go through with it. I settled on calling myself bisexual as some kind of way to help me make sense of myself but even that doesn't feel like it's sufficient enough. I hate labels. My conservative family is really only fine with queer people if they play caricatures on TV. I've struggled with feeling like a girl. I remember a classmate back in highschool who commented on my frilly shirt one day, saying "wow! you look feminine!" I remember I almost took it as an insult. I used to have multiple dreams of being "the opposite gender" which for my monkey brain just translated to having a penis. I won't lie when I say it felt euphoric. But that's the nature of dreams, right? I remember I asked Mom if she had any dreams like that. I was hoping this was just something everyone had and that I wouldn't need to worry about it. She said no. I haven't felt the same since. I used to have multiple dreams about kissing one of my close female friends. She would faint every time. In the dreams I took it to mean she didn't feel the same way. I'll never tell her I had these dreams. I can't ruin our friendship. But I would be lying if I said I hadn't fantasized a relationship with her though. It's just something I'll have to take to my grave.

I don't know where I'm going with this. I just feel like I have so many things I've been keeping secret and hidden for so long that I'm going to burst. I've tried to ignore it. I've wanted them all to go away. I want to keep ignoring it. But I can't stop crying as I type this. I've tried to come to terms with the fact that I'm not living for myself. If I die that'll make everyone sad. But I have no dreams. No aspirations. Not anymore. But I'll keep living. If not for myself then at least for the people who love me. I don't want to hurt them. Maybe eventually something will come along that will make me want to keep living. Something more substantial than stupid video games or books or shows. I dunno. I dunno

It's raining today. It's been almost two years since I've moved to a different state. Arizona's a whole new kind of experience. I'm not sad I'm here. I'm bummed I don't get to see my friends as often anymore, if at all. Family is all I see but at least now I'm seeing them more than ever. All it took was uprooting ourselves and moving over 300 miles away just to be within 20 minutes driving distance of each other.

Over the president's day weekend I went to Flagstaff for the snow. Absolutely worth it and breathtakingly beautiful. I went with my mom, my sister and her two kids, and, a surprising last minute addition due to his financial constraints, my brother too. We're already making plans to go next year.

My brother got shitfaced the first night, though. He likes to get philosophical, existential, nihilistic, all the fancy words when he's drunk. He told me he believes I could easily become a sociopath. He broke down when he told me he looked up to my father more so than his own. I think it bothered him that I didn't care about my dad as much as he did. I think it bothers him that I'm not angry or that I don't want to know more about him. Then he says he loves me.

But you called me a sociopath. You believed I would become a serial killer. You told me I would be the reason our family breaks apart because of my low tolerance for interacting with children.

I hate talking to him when he's drunk. I hate it so goddamned much. I'm never right since I'm so young, what I answers I do give he can write off with another meaningless question. Or even better, he laughs in my face. I told him before I don't like talking to him when he's drunk. He always has to ask why and never let it go.

I like to think I'm deeply intuitive. I self-reflect a lot. It's how I figured out how I would always play the victim card and how pointless it was to perpetuate it. It's how I figured out I'm not emotionally ready for intimate relationships. It's how I realized I may not being completely straight or even completely cis. There's something about my brother's introspective debates, however, that just evoke frustration and anxiety. He wants to get inside my head, to press my buttons, he's told me this himself. But if I start to express my anger or frustration with his incessant prodding, he back-peddles and says he's not trying to rile me up. And then I feel bad, which he says he doesn't want either.

How am I supposed to feel? I can only be true to myself and my feelings. Why must I adhere to your wants and needs so that you can feel vindicated, so that you don't have to worry about me becoming sociopathic, serial killing, family breaking scum?

I didn't mean for this to become a rant. I wanted to focus on all the positive things about the trip but I can see a portion of it is still leaving a sour taste in my mouth. The following morning I acted as though nothing happened. I think I was just prolonging the inevitable bitter rant I'm typing out now. It's a habit of mine, maybe a natural survival tactic or something. I put it off knowing that if I address it right then and there, I'll have an emotional breakdown. I let it stew for a while, or let it go long enough to dull the reaction, and then I spill it all on this. Speaking from experience, it's better than throwing things or screaming as I cry.

But I'm gonna try to end this positively. Mom and I drove through Sedona on our way back home. The contrast of the red rock against luscious green trees was dampened a bit by the snow but it was still gorgeous. The rock formations are absolutely unreal. The stone is such a beautiful color. Another trip there is definitely a must; pictures just don't do it justice.

I'm not going to dwell too long on what went on during the cabin trip that makes me unhappy. It'll just sour the whole experience for me. I'm not going to let him have that kind of power over me. But I'm going to think real hard about what my brother considers is love. If what he said to me, not just over the trip but over the course of several years, is what he genuinely feels then I don't think I can call that love. I don't know what I'd call it other than cruel.

I love my brother. I don't think he loves me the same way, if you could call it love. It must be why it hurts so much.

I'll be okay, though. I think I'm going to be okay.

I think I've made the first "healthy" conclusion in my life so far: I'm not ready for a relationship and I don't think I will be anytime soon. I've decided, more like have felt, that I can't learn to love someone or shoulder their grievances when I don't even have my own issues down to a fine science. Yes, I know I can't solve everything that is "wrong" with me all at the same time but I've felt like I'm just finally learning to love myself. Or, you know, at least not hating myself as much so I'll take that as a positive upward curve more than anything. I know myself enough to understand that this apathy towards myself over the years has turned into apathy towards others. It's not that I don't care but I feel disconnected; like I should care more than I do now because I know the things I care about are important to me.

I'm the kind of person who blinks and loses the last 20 minutes of my life. I'm someone who can remember things of years gone by but can't remember what I did the day or two before. If I can't even pay attention to the world around me, how can I expect to care about a significant other in a relationship?

I don't know if I'll learn to get past this obstacle and just end up being one of those people ill-suited for a relationship. I'd like to be in one someday and I'd like to believe I can sincerely contribute to such an experience. Until then, I think I have to work on myself a lot more before I can begin to function healthily in a serious relationship.

I feel like I'm overreacting or fishing for validation or something, I dunno. Am I depressed? I'll never admit it, even to myself, because then I feel like I'm playing the victim card and shifting the blame and all my problems onto a mental illness. Is there something "wrong" with me? Probably but since I don't have it (if it have it at all) as bad as the next person then that means I'm over-exaggerating or creating something out of nothing.

Nobody's ever told me any of this. Just myself. I don't trust myself to point the finger and know the answer. I know myself better than anyone else but what credence does that hold when I constantly doubt myself and I'm convince that I'm just playing at being depressed? It's a weird conundrum because all this self-doubt and self-gas-lighting or whatever is probably a symptom of depression. A depression that I refuse to believe I have, not because I think I am normal but because I think it's not bad enough to be that serious.

And even if I get validation from someone, which is ultimately what is fueling this internal debate of mine about whether I am or am not depressed, it doesn't seem good enough. I'd still say, "eehh, I'm not buying it." And probably this whole thing would be put to rest if I had a professional diagnose me but I'm driven with the aforementioned doubt of severity to not bother with it at all. Plus, I just don't have the time or money to see someone who'll just tell me the obvious. See, I just said it's obvious but I'm still gonna fight tooth and nail and say I'm not because it's not debilitating. I know it doesn't have to be but it just seems like a cop out to me. I've had issues in the past about playing the victim card so this feels like a repeat of my own dumbass actions.

Today is just a really down kind of day. I can't find anything mentally stimulating to keep me awake and I wanna nap so bad even though I had good sleep last night. I've also had instances where I almost broke down and cried for no reason so that's nice. Usually, by avoiding the label myself the victim by playing a different victim card, I chalk it up to me being a hormonal woman with no credible reasoning for my emotional or mental breakdowns.

I'm drowning so deep in denial that I think even the Egyptians are rolling their eyes at me.

A lot has changed in the past 6 months and a lot hasn't. I finally participated in the dance show at my community college, reconnected with an old elementary school friend who was looking for more out of our relationship than I was prepared to offer, and I had to move out of the place I'd called home for three years during that time. I didn't just move out, though, I moved away to another state. Not entirely against my will but literally the rest of my immediate family was relocating and I would've been alone. No family to be close to, knowing the people who I had known all my life were gone. So I went along. It was a big decision and so far I haven't regretted it... but that doesn't mean I'm entirely happy, either.

Those were the things that changed within the past couple months. I've still remained the same. There are struggles in my life that perhaps will never go away. I don't have daily battles but the battles I do have are exhausting and lonely.

I had always joked that I was going to die alone, with no one to love or share my life with. Now it's more like a mantra. I know I'm young and that I still have plenty of time and opportunities. But I have already had opportunities that I've unintentionally screwed up. I'm just so apathetic. The thought of an emotional investment in a relationship drains me so I feel nothing at all. I don't mean to do it. I would like to have that kind of feeling where just looking at my significant other automatically makes me smile or grin. I may not have found the right person. But I think my attachment issues (or lack thereof, more accurately) just makes me feel like I'M not the right person for a relationship.

My brother told me recently that he feared I was going to be this serial killer or whatever because of my apathy towards other people. He only abandoned that notion when he saw how affectionate I am with my dog; when he found I was capable of some form of love.

I'm not without emotion towards people. I love my friends, I love being with my friends. But there's this dissonance I feel that I can't describe. I can never think of what to say next in a conversation. I find it difficult to care about someone's struggles. It's hard to remember what my friends like or what they have done recently. I love my friends but I hate dealing with people. I feel like I care too much or not at all whatsoever. It's mostly been the latter lately.

So yea. I haven't changed at all.

Trying to figure out who I am is the toughest quest I'll ever be on and, to my displeasure as a quick adventurer, I have to realize I can't do it all in one evening.

Today was an emotional rollercoaster. My only saving grace was that I didn't cry, although I was very nearly close on multiple occasions. Maybe it's better if I do but now I just simply don't have the energy.

A guy I was starting to like is now in a relationship with a good friend of mine. And I'm happy for them because they are both beautiful people whom I get along with almost seamlessly. I do, however, believe I missed out on a big opportunity and my hesitation probably drove him away. I wasn't used to being called "perfect" and "amazing", which were the exact words he'd frequently call me whenever we hung out together. I'd be lying if I said I didn't love hearing it and getting that kind of attention. Yet I couldn't bring myself to reciprocate. I was afraid to invest in case he didn't feel the same way. Did I do the sensible thing and ask to make my life simpler, easier? No. I just stewed in these confusing emotions and I was too enraptured with my internal conflict to notice he moved forward with someone else.

I am very self obsessive and self critical about everything I do and say. I have difficulty investing my emotions into another human being outside of face-to-face interactions. I don't text people back for months. I'm not the first one to propose a date night with someone. I don't like to feel like I'm trying to impose myself onto other people. But I think I'm coming to better understand that my actions (or lack thereof) put off a vibe that I don't want to be with other people, specifically the person I happen to communicate with once in a while. That couldn't be farther from the truth but they don't know that. And it's not like I'm giving them any insight to my thoughts and reasons. So it ends in a stalemate and now we're both alone and confused.

I had made plans to meet with my family at the OC fair earlier this evening and I had to take a rain check at the last minute. The whole scenario would've resulted in my dog being home alone for 6 hours and me driving back to the house in the dark on the freeway for a solid hour. I initially told them I'd go regardless of the circumstances. My vision was narrow; I hadn't taken into account my mother's feelings which were undoubtedly all over the place after her mother fell last night alone in her own home. She was unhurt, if a little shaken, and my mother decided to spend some time with her today to help around the house. I was left home alone. I decided to make the trip to the fair on my own, thinking it was a very brave and independent decision. I have little experience on driving on freeways, let alone driving on freeways at night. My mom and I both knew that. So when I told her about my plans, she rightfully expressed concern. She didn't need the stress of worrying about me right after her mother had a frightful fall. I understood that so I agreed to not go. I was perfectly fine with it. What I wasn't fine with was being guilt-ridden for my decision to stay behind, to not socialize with family. My cousin's wife was not pleased. I'm sure my sister wasn't pleased either. I know that they all believe I'm just a pathetic introvert and does whatever her mother tells her and I should've probably already moved out by now and I'll never understand the struggles of "real life" if I don't try to make it on my own and have that daily battle between putting gas in the car or eating at all that day.

This has been my past 24 hours.

I could continue on and reflect on a self-realization about my gender identity I made over a month ago but the weeks have passed and I've lost the will to care about that anymore. It's not going to impact my life any better than it already is. And right now I'm just focusing on trying to further the quality of my life by not being such a toxic perfectionist. I'll save the existential questions and discoveries for a later date.

Ugh, okay, I know there is something quote un-quote "wrong" with me so I always try to self analyze everything about myself and draw conclusions from there. Which, I don't know, makes me feel like a hypochondriac so I keep thinking I should go to a doctor and get tested but then time and money get in the way so I'm left suffering in silence. I've had problems in the past about putting myself in the corner like a victim and then accuse the world of being cruel for putting me there when I was actually the culprit so... it just feels like I'm fishing for something to make myself out to be the victim again.

But apparently I may or may not be suffering from depression and ADD. My whole family swears that depression runs in the family (is that really a thing?? I mean I know genetics CAN play a role in making someone more susceptible to depressions but eeehhhh) and my mom says that my father had borderline ADHD but she's never said it was diagnosed? Maybe she did, can't remember.

That last bit is starting to become a problem; I feel like I should have a better memory for someone my age. I used to say I had a "photographic memory" when I was in elementary school but now it's turned to shit and I'm constantly facing that problem in the kind of business I'm working in. Like "When did we send that letter?" Fuck, I dunno. Not yesterday, that much I know for damn sure.

I'm also spacey all the time. I never thought I had a problem concentrating until I started realizing how many times I would tune out the world. Mom will go on for an hour or more on something currently happening and I'll zone out like seven times or more for a couple seconds. I used to think I was tired because of lack of exercise or something but I'm in a dance club now and I'm even MORE tired than before. I do not feel energized at all. I used to go through books like nobody's business. I still have a huge stack now that is begging to be read and I would love to read them but I end up forgetting what I read half-way through the paragraph.

I feel like I'm just imagining it and crying wolf so I've done nothing about it. It's not really debilitating to my every day life. Well, actually, I'm not sure. I might learn to love myself more if I could concentrate and remember stuff better than I do now. Cuz answering every question with "I don't know" is really not making me like myself at all.

I keep skipping words in this post but I don't feel like going back and fixing them. I gotta get food so I suppose I'll leave this here.

Always reassuring whenever a queer person is actually represented on television or a movie and my mom rolls her eyes. Except this time I actually feel like I'm ready to lash out because I've been questioning who and what I am for the past year and so far have not made any headway. Which I guess is fine, I should take my time with these things but I think I'd feel better if I knew for sure.

I'm not uncomfortable as a girl, but I remember having dreams about a year or so ago where I was a man and it felt so lucid. More lucid and clear than any dream I've ever had before. I find men and women attractive... but I don't feel any attraction to anyone I know or have met. And honestly that last bit could be because of the cliché "you haven't met the right one yet" but I figured after 20 years of being on this planet I would've had at least one relationship, if not one crush. Not those fake high school relationships where everyone does it for status rather than actual feelings (or at least the ones I had been in felt like). 

So I've just been mentally referring myself as a gelatinous blob floating on a rock in space. Simple with short lived satisfaction. I'll probably have another one of these existential crises in about a month or so. I always said when I was younger that I could never love a man because I was married to my art... that's probably my problem, I haven't drawn anything in months. Har har. 

Hyrule Warriors has taken over my life. No regrets.

Deal I had with my brother to get my license before his birthday is not gonna pan out so well. My mom found my social security card but the next available appointment for the Redlands and San Bernardino DMVs aren't until late March. So I gotta cough up $100. Which I don't have. I obviously don't have problems managing my money at all. Won't be able to pay for my dog's groomer next week, either. Ugh.

Dance club is kicking my ass aahhhh but it's awesome.

I had more to write. This is what happens when I take a five month break. Oh well.

Edit: Oh yea, I was tempted to run away back in January because I suck at dealing with my problems. I don't know how I came to be a perfectionist but it fucking blows; every little thing I do wrong I feel like I deserve to die. 2015 is so far an "awesome" year.

Things are changing rapidly and I can't quite comprehend the gravity of it all just yet but things are going to be tight budget from now on. Fairway is being let go but they are determined to hang on tooth and nail to get us to do their dirty work for as little to no money as possible. We resigned on the 10th and it's only today that we received a letter from the Board.

They are threatening to sue. Which is ludicrous, they have no money, everything goes to their utility bills and the gardener/handy-man who has taken the liberty of doing and charging for whatever he desires. Mom had wanted to fire him for insubordination and that's when shit hit the fan. She thinks the Board has been conspiring against her since before her falling out with him. They've accused us of embezzling $225 from the HOA, crediting it towards Mom's homeowner account, every month for the past 8 years simply because her personal checks are imprinted with "Fairway Park HOA" on the payee line.

I cannot fathom the amount of idiotic reasoning they put into this because I'm sure if I attempt to do so I will go insane.

They are also refusing to acknowledge our resignation letter as it "violates the 30-day written notice provision of our contract with Fairway Park." The resignation letter does not state explicitly a termination of service effective immediately; therefore, what they received over the weekend counts as a 30-day notice. Furthermore, the contract does not necessarily have to stand at all in this case as they breached it by refusing to pay for expenses we already paid out of pocket for the month of September. Twice they refused to sign the check because of "questions" over certain charges, like file storage and a single dues coupon book. Yes, we did start going electronic with the filing system as of 2013, that does not mean everything from the past 7 to 8 years has been meticulously gone through and scanned into the system so there are still file boxes in a storage compartment. Dues coupon books cost us money, even the generic ones. People lose their originals all the time and we are within the right to charge for replacements. If it is a charge on the billable, wouldn't they be able to put two and two together?

No. Clearly, they are not adept at this line of reasoning. They refuse to raise their dues, and have refused for the past 8 years, and wonder why they don't have any extra money after all the bills, which have consistently raised their prices over those years due to inflation, have been paid. It seems their solution to the problem is to cut down on management's fees and to threaten us with lawsuits if we do not comply.

I knew it would not be so easy to be rid of the toxicity of Fairway Park but our leaving is long overdue and I just want them gone. That's all I've ever wanted for the past year was for them to leave us alone but they are indignant. Fairway has been a long, drawn out mistake that I think we're too deep in to escape from.

PMSing right now, not in a very okay-mood like usual. Starting to have mid-life crises or whatever about everything and it's bugging the hell out of me cuz I don't need this right now. Wondering what identity I really am and can pinpoint myself as (then realizing it doesn't matter all that much which is altogether even more frustrating) and then wondering how I'll be at relationships considering I already alienate myself as much as possible while still having friends because nature I guess, I don't know. I'm just so apathetic about a bunch of shit and I wish I wasn't but I don't know how to change that.

Well I at least started college. I guess that's a plus in some aspect of my life.

In recent news of my non-productiveness, I finally beat Skyward Sword and the ending was just as heart-breaking as the Youtube videos made it out to be. Well, once I finally beat the final boss who was frustrating beyond belief. I died a total of two times throughout the entire course of the game and both times were caused by the same infuriating bastard, in one form or another. The necessity for motion controls really upped the difficulty level. Didn't help I was pausing every few minutes to take pics to send to my bro, who I suddenly starting updating on the progress of the game about two days ago. Getting distracted with that wasn't a good idea for my blood pressure or temper. Both my shoulders hurt. I need to stop being so passionate about this kinda stuff, it's draining.

Was hoping to get some building done; the assembly-required cabinets have been lying in the front entryway for at least a week. Might still do it, got nothing else that requires my attention... well, except for my binders and stuff littering the walkway floor. Not even a week into this home-alone situation and the floor's already a mess. At least the dishes are clean.

Damen's groomer should be showing up at around 8:30 tomorrow morning so can't stay up too late. Best put on some older episodes of Merlin to have in the background and get to working.

Went for a run yesterday for about 20 minutes, just enough to get me dead-beat tired by 10 p.m. but idiotic me decided to stay up an hour and a half longer because of reasons... Being that I was converting video files. Namely Desolation of Smaug, which took over 3 hours to convert to mp4 and about killed my comp's battery. And I was concerned.

To which I am now regretting because I am still just as friggin' tired as I was last night. Yes, I am an evolved human being; no, that does not automatically mean I have common sense in some cases.

Live and let learn, I guess.

Queue day one of fourteen of being alone in the house and so far my productiveness this morning has been watching Youtube.

All my other projects have been hindered at this point in time due to the computer tower not being able to turn on so I can't utilize it as a media server for the PS3. Which means I have roughly 30 movies on my laptop taking up about ~1GB each of space on my hard drive and I have no where to put them. I think I'm gonna break down and buy a one terabyte external hard drive.

In the meantime, I think I'll continue procrastinating on cleaning up the kitchen and play some Mario Kart 8.

Update: Playing Mario Kart cramps up my hand (friggin' gyroscope steering ugh) so can't play too much of it. But now I'm bored. Dishes, here I come.

ugh, I think all my energy and motivation got sapped out with the sunlight today. I know it's one thing to get some good sunshine, but I was feeling off the entire day. Felt like I was falling into more awkward silences than I did making wisecracks like usual. Tired, can't concentrate.

I feel sort of like a prick for not liking the Maleficent movie as much as I feel I should have. Seemed a little random and fast paced and never any real explanation for why certain characters did things. Not like I was expecting an Oscar winning motion picture but still, I felt a little in the dark. Ignoring the fact that I was in a dark movie theater, har har. Loved the humor in it, tho, that was good.

And que exit tagline.

I feel like we're the Penthouse suite or something

So apparently my newest nephew decided he was going to be born in the end of May rather than the end of June (mostly due to the steroids my sister was taking for her... arthritis, I think?). Our family seems to attract all the May babies, I swear. So Mom's plan for flying out to Kentucky to be there for the birth is down the drain, but she's already booked her flights so she'll be going out anyway around the end of June. Which means two weeks of complete solitude for me while she's gone.

Cursing myself for not getting my license sooner and procrastinating on fixing my permit. Gonna basically be home-bound that entire time but eh, maybe it'll give me the opportunity to try out the local cuisine. I am the epitome of an efficient human being.

My cousin's graduating from college and he's having a luncheon party, with the "party" part being once again at our place. This is what happens when you live in a large house apparently. I think this time I'll pass on the beer pong and just live with the teasing and guilt for not participating. I really don't wanna mess up my throat again.

Got my hair re-colored and cut yesterday so I'm feeling pretty amazing also I'm getting a Natasha Romanov vibe with my new look whoops

also there's a needle-like pain in my ribs right where my bra strap is and it won't. go. away. Stupid pinched nerves, ugh.

EDIT: Holy shit I just realized I'm wearing the exact same shirt when I took the last picture too... So... there's that. This shirt is tied to my destiny now.

Irritable today because tired.

That's about it, really.

I Guess There's No Such Thing As Peace and Quiet

The party was alright. For the most part it vehemently reaffirmed my desire to not have kids. Which is funny because my nephew made an effort to interact with me and actually call me by name, something he only does with his mom and dad. He's still scared of my brother and he's on the fence about grandma.

Sooo much drama. The woman my brother got stupid drunk with and knocked up kept trying to give me advice and telling me what to do, even blatantly interrupting a conversation between my cousin and I by changing the topic to something entirely different and no way associated with what we were discussing (apparently it was really important she burst in on our League of Legends conversation by asking about the fires happening around lately.) There wasn't a lull in the conversation for her to jump in on but the minute we took a breath she seized her opportunity. Also she's nursing a not even 3 month old and she polished off two bottles of champagne on her own and my mother suspects she drank the rest of mom's bottle of wine, which was only half-full, because she can't find the bottle anywhere. At some point during the night she asked mom if the fans could be moved outside since it was so hot.

No. Stay inside where it's nice and cool if you're so damn hot. Do not tell me how to prepare the food that I made you as a courtesy. Do not attempt to ruin a music game by playing your own during other people's turns. Invest in some earphones, go jump off a cliff, I don't give a fuck. Just go. The hell. Away.

I blame my brother for this 100%. He explicitly states how much he hates her (when she's not around, of fucking course) so it's like

Why

then did you feel the need to bed her TWICE. You're a fucking idiot and you deserve every second with this woman because you chose not be responsible for your actions and blame alcohol instead.

On a final note, I have learned to never play two rounds of beer pong when you know you're a fucking lightweight when it comes to alcohol, even if we did use shitpiss beer. You'll regret it at 2 in the morning when you pay a visit to the john.

Just got my permit fixed yesterday so it reads the correct name and address. As from this day onward I'm no longer miss Kirkland from Yucapa. There's really no excuse why I missed those when the permit was initially issued to me, nerves be damned. It was my fault for assuming an important government organization like the DMV would do their goddamn job.

There's gonna be another party at my house for my nephew's second birthday. Isn't it lovely when someone else volunteers to have the party at your house without prior consent. Granted, we have the largest house of any of our relatives so parties here are ideal, space-wise. Mom is firm in her reasoning that she won't provide anything for it other than her home. It was foolhardy to have our previous party at Easter; funds and resources to have another are out of the question.

Family feuds are starting to ensue. For once I'm glad I'm being relatively ignored in that department.

Also, the first season of Merlin seems like one of those "tune in next week to see another clever way the main character nearly escapes death". Typical TV trope but dammit, it doesn't stop me from watching the next episode. So I'm predictable, sue me.